T O P

You're a backwards burglar. Instead of stealing from your victims, you leave something for them. But you still want your victims to suffer, so what would you leave in order to cause the most suffering?

You're a backwards burglar. Instead of stealing from your victims, you leave something for them. But you still want your victims to suffer, so what would you leave in order to cause the most suffering?

thebigbroke

I’m gonna eat a nature valley bar in their bed


insanity_banana5267

Ok, let's not take things too far...


mahkimahk

Alright sorry. I'm gonna eat their bed in a valley


Lit-Rature

Ok Hitler, calm down


two_fish

A drum set for their children.


Fastfaxr

Or [these](https://youtu.be/IbWPklDIVFc)


DuctManifold

My 6yo got one of these for her birthday list year. It was mysterious lost. MIL made sure the kid got a new one for Christmas. My kid must have caught on because she always puts this one in a special place and refuses to let it get "lost"


DancesCloseToTheFire

Jesus your MIL sounds horrible. There has to be a way to break the thing's electronics without damaging the toy itself.


gn_like_lasagna

It's amazing how all the annoying toys my kids have use special batteries that we can't find at the store.


chipotleeeeeeee

So your mother and law basically is the reverse burglar


Redex007

Scare the kids, so they yell and it runs at them faster, creating an infinite loop of pain for your ears


Forikorder

all you need is a hamster wheel hooked up to a generator and youll never pay another electric bill


Forikorder

proof that toy companies hate parents its probably effective, make the parents miserable they take it out on the kid, kid gets sad, parents buy them more toys as a substitute for love!/s


DumpyMcRumperson

Pretty sure these are illegal under the Geneva Conventions


Ohnonotmethemanwho

That’s the most insane product I’ve ever seen.


Minaowl

Thanks, I didn't need to sleep tonight.


Totallycasual

Infuse their toilet paper with some type of pepper spray.


jayecal

Alternatively, a pepper spray bidet would be pretty nasty.


Pokecringer

as a daily user of a bidet, I can personally say ​ ​ fuck you


Silent-G

I was literally reaching for the bidet controls when I read this


Saarlak

At least they didn’t swap the water line for a lead to a sandblaster.


danknugs_

Pepper Spray Bidet is a great band name. Just sayin.


yeetaway6942069

Sick burn


cybertrucknation

This, but use meth instead of pepper spray. If meth can be absorbed by buttholes then we’re on our way to that scene in Requiem for a Dream where Helen thought her fridge wanted to kill her.


LATourGuide

Bed bugs


SeriouslyTooOld4This

Game over. You win.


waa-zee

100% worst gift to leave. Cockroach hidden behind a sealed wall might come second. It'll take awhile but eventually they'll be thousands


EarthToFreya

Yep, he wins. I was thinking of cockroaches too, but bedbugs is worse. You are also a better evil mastermind than me, I was just thinking of releasing cockroaches, but hiding them behind a wall is a far better idea when you are trying to make someone miserable. If they are in plain sight, they can just call an exterminator immediately, but when they are hidden, it can get so much worse, until they catch on what is going on.


Cobbleking32486

Nah, cockroaches are durable, but you can actually feasibly get rid of them without spending literal thousands (or just moving). At least they actually stay dead if you can kill all of them instead of using that bullshit "hibernate for 18 months" tactic.


[deleted]

Fun fact. Do you know why old-timey hospitals often had large open spaces near them, and used metal bed frames? It made it easier to get rid of bed bugs as they could just take the beds outside and set the whole thing on fire.


Talkaze

OK, SATAN. You're baninated from this game! I wouldn't wish bedbugs on my worst enemy. It's been 9 years and they still give me nightmares.


scawel

Do you still sometimes wake up with phantom itch to turn the lights up and search for bed bugs?


CubbyNINJA

when i was in highschool, we had bedbugs on again off again for years. it was really rough, when i moved out (my mother eventually got a different place as well), i would get phantom itches. i would throw the covers off me quickly and frantically check for bugs. this would happen maybe once or twice a month. its been nearly 10 years for me since i had them, i dont get phantom itches anymore, but i still think back to those days as being the works sleep years of my life. like, staying up all night, sleeping in a plastic office chair with double sided tape around the base bad.


BarnacleMcBarndoor

Balloon filled with spiders


catincal

Pregnant black widow spiders


MadMax0407

You... whu... why...?


xoxoAmongUS

FOR THE GLORY OF SATAN!


rheapbora

Oh my god that’s evil :’(


Darthstar72

Or Brown Recluses/Brazilian Wandering Spiders


tingulz

Geez, who hurt you? That’s just so wrong.


Willis003

Ya but like... How? Lol


APotatoPancake

First you get a balloon then you get a few wire coat hangers. You bend the coat hangers into a U shape and wedge them into the balloon to expand the balloon from the inside because you don't want to crush those spiders and lets face it a balloon full of dead spiders isn't nearly as fun as a balloon full of live spiders. Then funnel those bad boys right in. Once they are packed in use a bike tire pump to inflate the balloon. This is important because if you blow into it yourself you're just filling it with CO2 and they'll suffocate; and remember dead spiders not fun, live spiders more fun. Once fully inflated they will have plenty of room and O2 to last for you to leave the balloon for your intended target.


idontwannapeople

That is fucking diabolical. I’m equal parts impressed and horrified


The_Great_Reditor

Hello Satan


Dip_In_the_Ocean

A metric fuck ton of salt in their front grass shaped like a penis. Then water their grass.


galaxyeyes47

In assuming the salt kills the grass?


lelenah

"Fun" Fact: Romans salted the soil of Carthage after the battle to punish them and not to make the recovery from it fast


[deleted]

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DancesCloseToTheFire

And some times not even intentionally. I'm still baffled that they thought draining the Aral Sea was a good idea.


riftrender

That's a myth. They gave the farmland out to retired Roman soldiers. The farmlands around Carthage were far too good to waste like that. The Punics actually recovered and thrived as Roman citizens after a few generations. There was even Roman Emperors from Carthage of Punic descent.


piratius

That would have had to have been symbolic. Salt was crazy valuable back in the day, which is where the expression "worth their salt" comes from. Enough salt to destroy all the farms surrounding a city would be ridiculous, even for an emperor. I could believe them salting a palace garden as a reminder, or something to that effect.


lobibobo

If you till salt into the soil it'll keep anything from growing there for hundreds of years. Presumably if you just water the salt into the ground it'll at least kill whatever is there and keep anything from growing until it is washed away eventually Edit: so maybe not hundreds of years, but at least a few years, enough time that the Roman's found it effective in preventing conquered peoples from rebuilding. They'd salt the earth and it would keep it from growing anything long enough that they wouldn't be able to survive the next few seasons if they stayed. It was something I learned in Bible school forever ago, if I had realized I would have added a little disclaimer lol


troubletraver

I'm pretty positive that the effects of salt don't last that long. Brb going to look for proof Update: the longest I've seen is that it can affect the soil for 2 years before enough has been leeched away.


anjqas

Even I couldn’t believe that salt would affect soil for hundreds of years. It’s not uranium lol


Dyolf_Knip

What if it's uranium salts?


AHCretin

2 years is pretty ruinous. Serious Lawn People(tm) will spend money before then to fix it.


Tkeleth

They just didn't use enough salt!


UPGRADED_BUTTHOLE

Sure, some salts will leech away...


khrak

You're kinda outside the meaning of the term *salt the earth* when you start looking at non-sodium salts to get one that is not water-soluble.


Mord42

CARTHAGO DELENDA EST


UpCoconut

It is comments like this that make me feel at home on Reddit.


DerangeR14

A relatively small amount of diesel or even waste oil will work even better.


V02D

A note saying "I have sunk an object in the toilet that you regularly put in your mouth. Have fun finding out which one it is!"


yeetaway6942069

That’s too easy to get around. Replace all toothbrush/floss/chapstick/tongue brush/ etc. Wash the dishes on satanic purify hot, throw out the food and get new.


Revolutionary-Skin-7

Plot twist: it was all the pens in the house because you like to bite on the back of them


TinyGreenTurtles

Omg I read penis. I really need sleep.


meowyoloswag

... or do you need pens?


Rufai4Echif1ier

There's this great company, Pen Island. You should check it out.


RandyMarsh_88

Another company with just as good a website: Who Represents


toddlerwopes

"Easy"


mr_greenn

I love this episode of Seinfeld.


Mord42

oh no they toiletted my dildo


Rockpoolcreater

Prawns stitched into the hems of their curtains.


Singer-Such

Oddly specific :)


cgoss151

Oddly...PACIFIC heh heh heh


Feldersnatch

A pound of Meth then a call to the police.


AVgreencup

They don't need you to do that, the police can plant their own drugs thank-you-very-much


xyzzy321

This guy cops


RapterDES

Cops- to cop; pro-form the actions of a police officer Ex: *view above*


iconoclast63

Ants. Lots of ants.


claverflav

Why did I read this in Keanu's voice?


foralreadygone

Switch out their shoes for ones a size smaller


SoullessDad

Just the left shoe. The next night, swap both out, making it the right shoe that’s too small. The next night, repeat with a different pair of shoes.


MadMax0407

... why are you so evil


BubblebreathDragon

Easy there, Satan.


todlee

I’m of an age that this might be happening. Everything else is sagging or swollen or deflated, so why not the feets too. Seriously old man shoes are easy because you can pour your feet inside, or stuff them in as needed. They might be slipping off my heel all day and then I can’t get them off in the evening and have to sleep with them on with the windows open and the heater off. One pair I wore for about six days then they fell off while I was napping. Or one will be too big, the other too small. Some days I have to count to make sure I still have only five toes per because something strange is going on. I asked my doctor about it, he said it’s normal at our age, he took his shoes off and one of them had a whole nother shoe inside it like a kid’s shoe.


RandyMarsh_88

A whole nother "whole notherer"! Its my favourite phrase. I love how wrong it looks when written but just sounds so right


redpatchedsox

Id leave a recording of a child laughing in the walls and it would go off at 2am every night.


thedevilyoukn0w

That's evil, and I have experience with that. My children had a toy called *Go To Sleep Ernie*. Yeah, Ernie from Sesame Street. It was a toy to help children to go to bed, and it would talk if the lights were still on. Well, the batteries started to die on the thing and it would start talking at three in the morning. I'd hear someone talking in my child's bedroom and storm in ready to kill the bastard, only to find no one hiding in there. Took a few nights, but we figured Bert's little friend was the culprit after he started rambling on with some nonsensical speech. Ernie didn't get to stay at our house after that.


AhFFSImTooOldForThis

The Teddy Ruxpin I had as a kid would randomly talk in the middle of the night. I wasn't a fan.


CedarWolf

I was working over night at a Victoria's Secret with multiple rooms, and it was my job to stay there all night and make sure the place was handed over to the morning manager when the people fixing the lights were finished. Well, you know how some malls have those candy displays, where it's a small kiosk full of 25 cent candy dispensers and it plays a little tune accompanied by a little girl's laughter at random? They don't turn those off at night; they just leave them running 24/7. Well, the workers who were doing the lights, they finished in less than two hours, leaving me alone in a dark mall with headless mannequins and that soft, lilting tune and that hellish laughter, wafting down the corridor. Every time I'd walk into one of the rooms, I was sure one of the mannequins would move, it was creepy as all Hell.


Probonoh

First two episodes of Doctor Who my sister introduced me to were "Blink" (angel statues come to life and kill people) and "Rose" (mannequins come to life and kill people). I asked her if she was deliberately trying to make me scared to go to work at my mall shoe store.


[deleted]

Hahhaa


[deleted]

[удалено]


HumbugBoris

One slight tweak. Leave it with a gender neutral name, so both partners think the other is lying.


mahkimahk

Jesstopher


Derwinx

Geossie


blinkgendary182

Or Christino


lampe_sama

No with just the first letter of a really comen name of the neighborhood.


SparkyMountain

If they live alone- a small pile of toenail clippings on their counter or on the armrest of a sofa.


0110bot

It's called a Chicken Milk Bomb. Gallon glass jar (glass important) - big pickle jar or something. Whole raw (or dead) chicken. Half gallon of Milk. Put the chicken in the jar. Top it off with milk, but leave a good few inches of air. Just like, cover the chicken in milk. Want plenty of um...room to grow. Screw that lid on nice and tight. Now, you break into someone's house. Crawlspace is best. Find an HVAC vent, harder to get to, the better. Leave the Jar. That's it. Then you just wait. It takes a month or two, maybe longer depending on the ambient temperature. You can reeeaaaaally get some good growth out of it if you plant it in the winter. That chicken carcass soaked in dairy will rot in some really unbelievable ways. Decomposition in there will go through some really intense colors. Eventually though, the gas will build up in that dead space you left, and enough of it built up will eventually cause that glass to shatter. That smell doesn't go away. You can gut the entire HVAC, and it'll live in the insulation, flooring, everything. Everything. It smells worse than you can imagine. Oh, this is a crime btw. We are talking about burglary, reverse or otherwise.


Faust_8

Are you...speaking from experience?


0110bot

I don't talk to cops


Faust_8

*Slides a Chuck E. Cheese token across the table* How about now?


Eelazar

Make that two, I also want to know


Theordomaleus

Now I thought I was twisted, but you sir... I have clearly met my better. I salute you.


Langt_Jan

I learned about this in Andrew Wedderburn's novel of the same name. He talks about it like it's kind of an urban legend, wasn't sure if he made it up. Do you know the book, or is this actually a thing?


0110bot

I had never heard of that book, hah. Definitely not a legend. Definitely causes most places to be condemned. Not a prank.


sneakyplanner

>raw (or dead) Is there a difference?


Iwina

Technically, all live chickens are raw


deftones2366

A hidden fish each day.


ItzNuckinFutz

Let's take that up a notch shall we? We hide the fish plus other assorted seafood in the crawl spaces, heat registers and radiators. Do you accept the challenge??? :: Insert evil laugh:::


TohruH3

I think I remember a story about someone hiding fish in the curtain rods, so don't forget those.


[deleted]

The story I heard was a woman having to give up her house to her ex-husband, who moved in with this wife. This woman loved that house and hated giving it up, so she left a little present for the happy couple in the curtain rods. She listened in glee as the couple complained over and over about the smell they just couldn't get rid of, til the ex-husband pitched the idea to the woman that hey, you wanted that house, yeah? I'll sell it back to you cheap... so she accepted, cleaned the curtain rods they failed to discover, and lived happily ever after. Something like that?


wootisne

I think I remember them selling the house back and then leaving with the curtain rods


_Anal_Juices_

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/sew-shrimp-curtains-revenge/ It has probably happened many times now from people who have been inspired by the legend


ItzNuckinFutz

Yes I remember that story, I read about that a few years back. It was actually shrimp if my memory serves me correctly.


Jazzlike-Region

Me. .... I leave them me.


Xenox_Arkor

I'll be honest, that's going to make you quite easy to track down.


GreatUsername101

They are meant to suffer not have an amazing person in their house <3


shambollix

Little glitter bombs attached to tripwires.


RainbowLei

Glitter on the ceiling fans


evilpenguin9000

Geez, take it down a notch Satan.


UPGRADED_BUTTHOLE

Glitter in the central air system?


pakidara

Cats. Each reverse burglary results in them getting 12 cats.


Cecil_B_DeCatte

Do you take requests? Because there is a lack of cats around here.


Locke108

A Furby on every single one of their beds. Right on the pillow.


Hello_Sweetie25

you're evil.


Weeb-lord-gamer-god

Super glue everything in its place, all the items in the drawers together and to the drawer and drawers glued shut, light switches glued in place, just super glue everything everything. And afterwards, leave one mostly empty bottle of goo gone that's had super glue mixed in it. Its called leaving an inconvenient surprise


llcucf80

Am I in a bad mood or a *really* bad mood? If I'm only in a bad mood they'll get a cockroach infestation. If I'm in a *really bad* mood I'm hiding a fish in the drip tray of their refrigerator.


Patricio124678

As somebody who has an unreasonable fear of cockroaches, I don’t wanna leave you in a bad mood.. ever


ItzNuckinFutz

Dog toy squeakers hidden under rugs and various floorboards, on top of that replace the doorbell with an air horn.


Xenox_Arkor

Bees


666_kys

It'll be like that one scene from the wicker man, "NOOO NOT THE BEES"


majsmartin

Termites. Or ticks. I fuckin hate ticks


666_kys

Fuck ticks the little blood sucking bastards


SnooLentils9959

Why not lice? 😈


Singer-Such

Bed bugs and fleas


toeshoesgotmelaid

Glitter. In every drawer, crevice, pocket. They’d think they’d find the last of it, breathe a sigh of relief, and 6 months down the road open their Christmas decorations or blow up pool or art supplies and BAM! A new place with glitter. They’d never get rid of it.


sekscat

a horse head on their bed


Xxhuman_personxX

Now, that's an offer they can't refuse


Valentine_Zombie

Realistically this is the worst one, especially if the kids find it


EpicestGamer420

Lego glued to the floor and hide the shoes


TheeKthulhu

Lego glued into their shoes.


TurdsforNipples

Jesus Christ do we have a winner already?!


Stubborncomrade

Nope. I have a better one. You offer them a monthlong trip to a country of their choice. When they get back, every room of the house has a LEGO floor with random ridges all over the place, and the whole house has to be taken apart to remove the floors. Furthermore, all the stairs are made of alternating wedges, making them perfect for twisting ankles in. Not only would they trip, but when they fall, they’d land on a surface of Legos. And it would happen most often near the top of the steps. Next we would place random lego star destroyers dangling from the ceiling, and if they stomp around too hard, the star destroyers will fall and explode into thousands of pieces everywhere. Oh and last but not least, all the furniture would be lego too, they could never sleep nor sit and watch TV. Nor could they sell the home cause whose gonna buy that shit.


joeyNcabbit

I would buy a giant piece of subfloor and then install hardwood floors over the subfloor, over your lego floor.


Stubborncomrade

Yes but how would you do that ina. Kitchen with cabinets? Bear in mind the lego floor had random lego short walls placed tactically to be stepped on and tripped over


yeetaway6942069

There’s a reason they calls it a saw-*zall*


DreamNozzle

Legos are cheaper than hardwood / lumber lately


theycallmemrcandyman

Glue the Lego to their feet in their sleep


[deleted]

An envelope that contains secret encrypted letter that contains nothing, just random bullsh.t. On the envelop writes: here writes where your gold is hidden, decipher it and you can take all.


Brandon01524

An unmarked key


rhett342

A guy I used to work with would always leave his key ring sitting on the counter. I got a bunch of old spare keys and started adding one every couple of days. Aftwr about a week he noticed. Fun times.


sumtinfunny

Evidence that makes them the lead suspect in a murder investigation


aquotewouldbegood

Another bed in their house. They'll think that it means someone is intending to come in and stay uninvited but they don't know who. They'll assume whoever is coming to stay is the same person who left the bed in their house. It's the gift that keeps giving, perpetually terrified that someone is coming. And yet they've already been there. And they can get in without you knowing.


BronzeButterfly

A glitter bomb.


Useless_Manchild

Tins and tins of cheap meatballs in gravy all heated up to fill the house. (Honestly tastes fine but oh my God it smells like a radioactove rat crawled up a reincarnated uterus died its babies ate it came out and shat itself, thats how bad it is)


Slap_the_Panda

oddly specific


RainbowLei

Fish in the blind sticks...... And maybe unhook all the hot water valves.... Mentis stuffed up into the j hook of the toilet and fill the tank with diet cola. Fun post


KoronoKenji

If the house belong to family with two or more daughters, I would leave a positive pregnancy test.


AnEsteemedCactus

Truthfully? As a kid, one day my whole family was in the back yard together. When we went to go inside my mother noticed weird marks around the lock on the door, and that the door was slightly open. It didn't take long for her to realize the house had been broken in to. So she kept everyone outside and called the police. They discovered that someone had broken in while we were just 20 or so feet away, taken nothing, and left several boxes of locks scattered around the house with a pile in the kitchen. All of the locks were new and never opened. They were all the same brand and worth a decent amount of money. The police found several foot prints and tire tread in the dirt driveway but we have no clue who it was. I have agonized over this for years. What does it mean? Why our house? How did they manage to get that many locks in there with none of us noticing? How quickly were they able to move? None of it makes sense.


Nebbbbula

A clock that no matter what you do its off by a few seconds


Substantial-Friend30

Break open a few fire ant farms in their home. With luck, whenever they sit down, they’ll be bit by the ants.


StanYelnats3

Random Christmas decorations.


brokenpierrski

A big, fat shit in the bathroom without flushing.


WeekendSquare1926

Upper decker baby!


Martin_RB

Wow I wasn't expecting special forces here. Also Brian if this is you fuck you.


Nice_Swordfish_69420

Leaving their house on fire


MatiGGFG

simple and effective


Raejuan

Broken Gromit Mug


Ok_Criticism337

A human child, that they must raise.


rSlashGigi

Footage of the swingers party both grandparents went to right before they got pregnant.


yeetaway6942069

Maybe in 1985. However, since it’s 2021 they’d probably just post it under ‘not my proudest fap’.


[deleted]

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will477

Ok, I have a better one. Better than my previous post of "A Skunk". Rearrange all their furniture. I don't mean like move the couch across the room, I mean like move the couch 3 inches to the left, the entertainment center 2 inches to the right, stuff like that. Do it in every room in the house. Find their silverware drawer and change out one thing. Like swap the forks with the spoons. Everything done should be subtle. Move the beds a few inches. All that sort of stuff. Go into their medicine cabinet and move stuff around. If they leave stuff on their bathroom sink move that stuff around. But leave a few items alone. Have some fun with the fridge and pantry. And also, leave a wild Skunk in the house.


SpaceDave83

An open can of Surströmming


scratchfury

I would sprinkle fiberglass in random clothes and linens.


[deleted]

A picture of my face


nate-2898

r/suicidebywords


[deleted]

A clown costume.


WhiskeyVagabond

I would put remote controls so that all the smoke detectors could make the sound when the battery is dying. However, I would pattern it so that the chirping would only last 2-3 times per alarm, before switching to a different one. They would also only start doing this at 2am...


ApeThyme

Sand. All. Over. The. Place.


Astramancer_

Delicious delicious limburger cheese. Conveniently delivered into outlet junction boxes and other easily accessible but easily overlooked void spaces.


Violet_Zeyzey

2 fishes. 1 fish out in the open and another hidden away. They would believe the smell is from the fish they found and will be confused by the lingering smell until the other is found. A little surprise for them to find out where it's hidden and get rid of it


dog_in_the_vent

A 55 gallon drum of used motor oil with a small leak. You can't leave it on the curb for the trash truck in most places, and if you can find a motor parts store or oil change place to take THAT much motor oil, good luck getting it there. You can't hire somebody to take it either since it's leaking.


VictimRAID

A shit in their kitchen


Antishill_Artillery

Apparently its fairly common irl because thiefs gets so nervous during robbery


[deleted]

And the Go-to Place is the kitchen?


Antishill_Artillery

The cop that told me about it said its usually the front yard as they are leaving


Abysmalmass

Jello packets in all the shower heads. Random colors that I know will stain skin


Karloz_Danger

My ex’s number


waywardmikey

Uranium


cfishlips

Eggs in the walls and air vents. Ticking time bombs.


zooke90909

I'd only break into houses with kids, and I would leave each kid a drumset in their room.


Cthulia

Bedbugs


theandybabandy

My dog Taz. He is an asshole 🤣.


EratosvOnKrete

durian


jbaby23ak

Nudes of their parents.


3nat20s

A bear trap.