By - PandaPlayz112
"You're raising your kids wrong."
Bonus if you say this and do not have kids of your own.
I don't have kids, nor do I want them, but I've been writing a parenting book for years.
It has absolutely _terrible_ advice.
I wish you were serious about this
I am. I got up to where the kid is like 7, I think, and I'm waiting for my friends' kids to get older so I have more bad ideas.
Chapter 1, by the way is all about how to avoid having kids in the first place.
I mean you could literally ask reddit for tips on the worst ways to parent kids
Parents got loads of ideas of shitty things to do to their kids, believe me.
"If your oldest child tries to beat up your younger child, you should reward his courage at being assertive."
"Always pick a favorite child and make your preference well known, if your kids compete for your affection you can get them to do *tons* of chores."
"Never give your children positive reinforcement, they will become lazy and coast on their achievements."
Basically my impetus for writing this thing (other than mentioning it as a joke and having someone say "Oh god no") was that _my_ parents were parenting by books and magazines, and it seemed like those all contradicted each other on a monthly basis. So I figured, why don't I come up with the worst advice and cut out the middle man.
I've mentioned in another comment but Chapter 1 is all about how to avoid having children in the first place, and the advice there is to be a gay man.
Do you intend on sharing it once it's done? Can't deny I'm curious
The plan was to self-publish it on Amazon for free. Having said that, I've been working on the thing for years so I'm not sure it'll ever see the light of day.
I _will_ say, though, that I have a whole chapter on naming your kid, and I suggested using that letter that looks like and A and an E had an accident, and then Elon friggin Musk goes and does that!
I also suggested naming the kid Hashtag, and people have done _that_, too...
Pronounced as "Ash" - "æ".
I should add a joke but can't think of any at the moment.
Æ is that horrible.
This is a tremendous concept
Double bonus if you say this to your parents.
Oh this makes me chuckle!!!
Use this to start a debate with my brother about spanking
You’d get some great input if you debated it over on r/BDSMCommunity
Every time I try saying that my aunt have been endorsing their youngest to do whatever the fuck she wants, and putting so much school pressure on their oldest. That I'm "too young" to know how to treat human fucking beings.
I quit my job
And I'm going into porn!
And moving back home to do it.
and I'm moving back home.
I'd just not agree with my mother on something small. Heck I wouldn't even have to say anything. Just be silent at the wrong time.
I've got a sibling with extreme views on most things and no tolerance for dissent.
Two small, careful, hints of disrespect would ruin the evening for everyone.
How do you tolerate that. Sounds like said sibling needs to be uninvited
I know right. Any small signs of these shanenagins, are completely cut off from our group.
Sounds like one of my siblings. Even blinking or smiling at the wrong time can cause them to start screaming about things.
Sounds like a personality disorder
It's a lot of things with them. Been trying to get them to therapy to work on their issues for years. Alas, they're more interested in watching youtube videos and getting angry at everyone around them.
I got my mom all riled up by trying to convince her that cooking the turkey in the microwave was the new way to do it. It was glorious
“Just wrap this tinfoil around it and nuke it”
Accuse my uncle of having a secret love child
Accuse my uncle of *being* his secret love child
Accuse your uncle of being my secret *fuck*
Fuck your uncle!
Cue South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut…
Accuse your uncle of fuckin his secret love child's, secret love child...
I do this for free every year.
/Passes the wrong way
/Incites riots in ways that only make sense to family
/Still passes wrong way again
Nothing used to piss me off more as a kid than **STOP EATING ALL THE ROLLS.**
Without fail there would be a half dozen at the end of the meal and now they were cold.
Lmfao every year. For me (now 20 and it still happens) it’s the Corn casserole and french onion casserole. “Save some for everyone else!” So I don’t get that much. Then boom, it’s cold and they throw it away despite me asking to save it for leftovers
That's why you slop more onto your plate slowly, while staring them dead in the eyes.
I want to be invited back next year tho so I don’t have to buy the stuff to cook 😔
I think that as long as everyone has been served, and has at least gotten the opportunity for seconds, then the rest of the spread is fair game.
Food waste is major fucked up.
“Passes the wrong way” I never knew there was a proper way until I met my in-laws. Hehe
hint: not at all the same as in football
Is it the same way you pass the joint?
Olives are really good though, you're right on that one.
I didn’t know until recently that the red thing inside a green olive was a pimento. I had no idea what a pimento was because I thought it was a type of cheese. Turns out it’s a little pepper that I can only assume is put there. I’m too afraid to ask any questions because that cheese to pepper fact already fucked my brain up.
It's a little piece of pickled red pepper. You take the same time of pepper and mix it with soft cheese to make pimento cheese
Mmmmm pimento cheese
Oh that's easy. Tell my sister her meds aren't working.
“You need to calm down.”
I'm imagining the pregnant babysitter being invited to thanksgiving and getting caught in family drama lol
Haha right, same
It's not the babysitter, it's the pregnant babysitter-IN-LAW
I like that: sitter in law
that sentence sounded really weird until i realized you meant "sister"
I'm over here thinking "his brother must have gotten his babysitter pregnant".
But that doesn't make sense either.
I may be high.
now, finally, the babysitter's own child is being raised by the family. how the turns have tabled
Bring all five of my dogs in the house off leash, including my 100 pound boxer/mastiff mix. Announce loudly, to no one in particular, can someone keep an eye on them, the cats are in the car, they wanted to come too. Start walking back out the door to get cats. Chaos ensues…
Make sure none have been exercised beforehand for at least a week
Envisioning epic disaster and loud shouting. Have you tried not letting a border collie exercise? He would be neurotic and chewing thru the walls by the end of the day. Meanwhile big dog would be sauntering around drooling and begging for (and sneaking) all the food. LOL
Bring up my twin brother's three kids by three different women, his jail sentence for non-payment of child support and his firing from a union job.
Mention my little brother's gambling addiction and rampant anti-semitism.
Toss out my older brother's history of verbally, physically and psychologically abusing us when we were kids.
Gonna have to ask about the parentals in this scene.
Blissfully under the impression no one outside of our immediate family has any clue when, in point of fact...everyone knows.
You’ve got a trifecta of fightin’ words
Oh honey you have no idea.
"$100 says you can't beat me in a fight"
Be sure you can win, or you’ll end up spending the ten grand on medical bills
"I'm getting a vasectomy."
Is this a fight-starter? I must have lucked out. I just told everyone that the court system suggested I not have kids, and got the vasectomy because my lawyer said it would make my appeal stronger.
Man, I really hope that comes across as a joke!
I was genuinely concerned for you for a min there.
My grandparents would have probably killed me if I said that. They are pissed at me that I told them I'm not interested in having kids right now. Not even a hard no, just a not right now.
He means at the table .
Bruh unfortunately easy fight if I said I was getting my tubes tied.
I’d tell my family I forgot to bring the mashed potatoes.
Okay start a fight but don't fucking forget the potatoes.
Yeah that's just getting uninvited.
Calm down, Satan.
Bring my wife to dinner
Edit : My wife and my immediate family do not get along.
Bring your wife AND your girlfriend to make it really interesting
My wife and my girlfriend do NOT get along
What about your wife and your boyfriend's girlfriend?
I'd bring this guys wife to dinner too. I think that would also start a fight.
I also choose this guy's wife
Hey pal, the line starts back there.
That's okay, we'll be like one big long group of people waiting for our turn with her. Kind of like...a train
Or… a centipede?
Only one mouth to feed!
What about this guys wife’s boyfriend? Can someone bring him?
I would hate to make him feel left out
Lmfao. She's all yours buddy. Good luck!!
Dad is that you?? Wait.. Does this mean you guys are getting a divorce...?
Yay! 2 Christmases!!
Is your wife the kind of person one would want having their back in a bar fight?
We should start a club.
(My in laws hate me too, they say I have a demon living in my spirit because I said they should be vaccinated and i don’t agree with their politics)
Lol my in laws love me but my conservative Christian parents who hate masks/vaccines/anything Biden really dislike my "hippie dippie California brainwashing' lmao.
Hey Aunt Jo are you sleeping with Aunt Mary’s wife or just Uncle Alan’s wife this time?
Dang, your aunts sound fun.
Fake names but yes the youngest of my mum’s sisters has slept with her sister in laws.
Lol uhh wtf? Your uncles don’t know or don’t care? If they know why do they put up with her?
Yeah I really want to know the answer to this lol
Uncle knows but is afraid to divorce his wife because they don’t have a prenup. He’s sure she’ll get everything.
I’m putting raisins in everything. Potato salad, greens, dressing, Mac and cheese. Everything.
Edit: Thank you for the awards and comments. They truly made my night. I had to cancel my Thanksgiving plans since I came down with a cold (hopefully not the other C). I didn’t get to have all of my favorite dishes, though my husband did his best on short notice. I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving meals and that there were no wayward raisins involved. 🙂
Slow down there, Satan
Forget your family, we're fighting now. Do not raisin the mac and cheese.
I too am concerned about the Mac n cheese safety.
This is definitely the most creative answer on the thread.
Fuck it take this reward you damn well earned it
Yes! YES!!!! This is perfect 👍
You are an evil genius.
Right here officer, this is the criminal you’re looking for.
If I went to a thanksgiving dinner and saw raisins in the Mac and cheese I don’t know exactly what I’d do but I imagine it would involve the turkey carver.
Had a pretty good fight with my family regarding my brother and his STELLAR life choices.
How do I collect?
How stellar exactly??
This would be similar to mine. Asking my partner’s older brother when he’s getting a job and moving out of mom and dad’s house.
Dude is pushing 40.
Wait until he comes back with "So are you offering a job?"
I'm going to bring up the time my wife's cousin thought she got diabetes from her baby daddy. It's a running joke among all of us guys that married into the family... STD - Sexually Transmitted Diabetes.
I loudly say that Dad will get Grandma's house when she dies.
Oof. This hits home. I have some worthless uncles and aunts that I don't care to ever see again after the ordeal of my grandmother movie in with my parents and selling her house.
This is the kind of tea I came to drink.
Ask when we're ordering the pizza after complaining how bland the food is.
That pizza better have pineapple on it!
Calling my uncle a cousin fucker.
Shut your fucking face uncle fucker
Wouldn’t be lying
It's the absolute truth. He fucked his cousin. Thankfully (because it would REALLY have gotten bad if not) it was consensual.
So they both were cons who were passionate?
The only reason they say "Roll Tide" is because no one in Alabama can spell Elephant.
Better than calling him a nephew fucker I guess.
Too easy. Try getting through dinner without fighting - that's hard.
Have you gained weight?
Tell them I am becoming a Raiders fan.
Source. Born and raised in Kansas City and lifelong Chiefs fan.
Edit: To those downvoting me for this comment, you do realize it is designed to cause a fight to win the $10,000. I am not now, nor will I ever be, a Raiders fan
I would welcome you to the dark side.....we have cookies. And now a turkey leg after today.
Tell who ever is cooking they are doing it wrong. Every time you pass through tell them what they should be doing to make that item and doing what they are doing will ruin it or lean against counter to provide running commentary. Then tell them not to get mad you're just trying to help.
This would definitely work in my family. My sister is a gourmet chef. Who knows everything. Just ask her.
The challenge was to get in a fight, not get yourself a fast-pass to the afterlife!
Technically, the family rapist is still undercover
Turn yourself in right now
Why would he blow his cover in the middle of an operation at a family dinner?
To start the argument
"Hey cousin, want to fight?"
Punch my grandpa
Straight to the point just start a fight yourself. I like how you think
No one said it had to be a verbal fight.
Yes, and unlike every other Thanksgiving fight, it'll be quick, to the point, and will result in a winner (or just two losers). Hell, it'll even be more entertaining for the guests. I'm liking this idea more and more.
By far the easiest method.
Except all the digging.
Technically, vaccines are neither.
They _shouldn't_ be, but they are.
Sadly, they’re somehow both. And then some.
I’m having a seizure right now
Announce I’ve gone vegan and refuse to eat anything, then scold everyone for not respecting my choices despite not having given anyone any advance notice of my choice to go vegan.
Then head over to r/AmITheAsshole to get justified
Tell my dad's girlfriend that she can't threaten me with her son kicking my ass now that he's in a wheelchair due to drunk driving
“See Mom? I told you we should have ordered pizza.”
I do most of their taxes, I will just bring up how much they make compared to how much they chip in to take care of grandpa.
"Hey guys, I just got ten thousand bucks and none of you are getting shit."
Start insulting the food.
Who cooked this shit?!
"Hey potatoes, you suck at football"
"That wig is a hot mess, by the way."
"The Steelers suck."
Granted, I might end up spending my 10 grand on hospital bills and/or a nice funeral, but I'm sure that'll do the trick handily.
"So I've started watching doctor who, and I've decided it sucks."
The football game is being recorded but we're not watching it until the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean.
Speak of your love and admiration for the Detroit Lion's organization, and how it is the best team in the entire NFL.
Pretty sure no one would stand for that...
I’m not American, but I imagine Christmas dinner would go so far as “So, Fiona, what do you think?”
It's a Christmas thing for me too, but in my case it's "No thank you, just some orange juice please" when offered a glass of champagne on Christmas morning.
Apparently I ruined everyone's Christmas by refusing to get into the Christmas spirit and I was a horrible child who hoarded all the orange juice lol. I was 17. It's been years, I don't know if I could ever top that one (and I still don't like champagne)
“nan, i’m not straight”
Inform my parents I had a vasectomy, so they will never become grandparents.
Tell them I’m pregnant (not actually cuz I’m 17)
Point out that my sister in law is drunk and my in laws are in denial.
Come out. Again.
Bring up some blackmail (ie. Your sibling does drugs)
Go around with a tasting spoon trying everything mom made not actually getting a plate and stating proudly “yeah I told you we should have just done this at my house. But hey you tried “
Hey Steve. We’ve been brothers for what now? 40 years? I fucked your wife.
I'd ask my cousin if he wanted to make $5,000. When he said yes, I'd punch him in the face and then hand it to him.
You could do it for $5.
People who choose to have kids or ‘breeders’ are destroying the planet.
easy, my parents’ drama and how it’s messed up all their kids’ mental healths :D
Just tell my dad his dog isn't a magical good boy and that there's no way he's going to pass therapy certification. My dog was from the same litter and isn't quite as well trained, but we haven't been trying to train her beyond the basics. He paid almost $1,000 to do a 9 week course with his dog and he's so proud of him. It was one of two things he would talk about tonight.
My mother in law got so fed up with it, she even made a snide remark that at least our dog doesn't crap in the house.... something his dog does on at least a weekly basis. Dinner was already over and my dad just walked away
Oh, and I'd let him know his "garden" is an overgrown weed patch and no one wants to hear about his "carnivorous plant garden." A few plants stuck in the ground and left to go fallow is not a "master garden." Someone told him he should get his certification as one, so that's next on his list
If you have guessed my dad is a narcissist, you would be right
My thanksgiving dinner is me by myself so I guess I'll fight myself about whatever I want.
For $5k, I'll come start a fight with you so you can keep the other $5k and then we can eat, drink, fight, and be merry.
Remember that stupid thing you did when you were 17? Definitely start beating yourself up over that. Easy $10k.
Funny enough when I was 17 was probably when I did the fewest stupid things. It was like my one year of not being an idiot. Every other year though man I could start a fight with myself about what stupid thing to beat myself up over with as many choices as there are.
I would ask how people pour their milk
"die hard is a christmas movie"
Maybe 20 years ago. Nowadays I think most people would groan and change the subject
My tactic is always to highlight all the reasons Home Alone is a Christmas movie, which most people will agree with, then say, “so then Die Hard is also a Christmas movie”
I would mention that I’m vegan because I don’t think animals should be murdered. Everyone hates vegans, it will definitely cause a huge fight hehe
Tell my anti-vaxer sister she's getting a divorce because she doesn't believe in science
Easy I'd just refer to my trans niece as a girl... fight started
I roll my eyes AT MY MIL!
Bring up the civil suit between me, an a uncle, and an aunt.
Then needle aunt how she “grieves” (whores for facebook) about her mother dying but she’s yet to even offer condolences over my father dying (been three years)
Ask other uncle how his child is doing with his baby momma.
Easiest money made
Talk the whole time about how Thanksgiving is a bullshit holiday that is used to justify murdering Native Americans. My family didn't enjoy me bringing this up...