Women, don't let ANYONE EVER put any food containing sugar on your vagina
oh my god yes. we bought a can of whipped cream one time and he couldn’t understand why it all needed to stay above waist for me. i’m not dealing with a yeast infection for 10 seconds of fun.
I've never done it, but men have asked me and I wanted to warn other people lol. Keep it on the titties boys
Any man who tells a woman he's going to cover her with chocolate syrup and lick it all off is a man who's never attempted doing that.
I prefer covering a woman in chocolate syrup, and then dipping my butter cookies in it.
She’s just a bowl at that point.
Standing while the lady straddles is a helluva workout
Women have told me frog moves are a workout too.
Never skip leg day
For the frog moves, put your hands on the underside of her thighs or butt and help her.
This guy fucks frogs
I love leg day like I love my wife
Big city slams boys!
Wheel snipe celly boys!
Crushin sandos buddy!
Dirty fucking dangles boys!
Appys a hundy P, boys!
Back to back to back boats, boys!
Sex in the hayloft above a cow barn:
All that "MOOOOing" below (and occasional sheep bleats).
Well stop shagging the sheep
Don't tell a Welshman his business!
My Welsh mate was counting all of the girlfriends he had, but he fell asleep
Shout out to that one dude on reddit that paid a porn actress to shit in his mouth only to regret it the second it hit his tounge
I like to play a game in these threads: how far do I have to scroll to find that guy mentioned in the comments. 😂
Thought it might be funny, but the fact that it created suicidal thoughts and depression just made me feel bad for the guy.
Shit got real
Omg. I remember this guy. I wanna go back to his story but I can’t remember where it was posted. It was hilarious hopefully he’s doing well.
Covered in chocolate. It's sticky.
I will never understand food and sex mixed together. I love both but please stay in your lane
POPROCKS BLOW JOB!!!!
Ow ow oh oh oooooh.....
I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.
I used to do some editing work for Mark Spiegler in the early 2000s. I had the chance to visit a few porn shoots and I'll never forget the smell. It's a foul brew of raw shit, body oder, and cigarettes. It was visceral and eye-watering. I haven't really watched porn since.
My friend went to a very lowbrow strip club/sex pit. She said it smelled like old popcorn, assholes, and sadness
I don't smell that bad....
Most have been pretty good but hot tubs sex is not. Takes a couple minutes to feel like you're about to have a heat stroke and I'm in decent shape.
Last time I had hot tub sex (drunkenly so) I dunked my head under to refresh myself and got water deep in my ears. Ended up at the ER later that night with infected and ruptured eardrums.
what did you shove in your ears to rupture your eardrums? trust me, i was a medic for over 11 years ive seen some interesting items used.
I've seen people blow their ear drums by just trying to clear the water out. Trying to pop their ears, shake their head to the side and clear it out and many others. Water in the ears makes things all kinds of fucky apparently. Hell I blew both ear drums while flying once. Had a lay over after a long flight, took a shower before the next quick flight and seeing people. Got a small amount of water in my ears that I couldn't clear out. Tried all the tricks. Ended up boarding my next flight and as we climbed I popped my ears. I just sort of flex something and they pop, no blowing air or pinching my nose. Well I felt the pressure release followed by sudden stabbing pain and blacking out. Funny enough that resulted in the flight diverting right back and me going to the ER and not making my work appointment. Shit sucks.
Ears are one of the most broken parts of human anatomy. I was deafened and on the floor writhing in pain for hours once just from coming down a mountain
Your ears aren't just to hear stuff.
The ears are essential for your body to maintain vision accuracy, head movement, awareness and balance, sense of altitude, sense of pressure and a lot of other stuff, when something goes wrong with them, a lot of your senses get fucked up
A woman screaming at the top of her lungs during orgasm. I kept expecting to be shot by alarmed neighbors.
The screaming gets old, but the neighbor shaking their head at me when I take out the trash is always funny.
>when I take out the trash...
Maybe treat those bootycalls with more respect?
Okay I used to do this and I still get second hand embarrassment bc it just wasn’t necessary. Idk why younger me used to be like that.
Look, at least you didn't do what my ex did. She did scream really loud during most encounters, but that wasn't the worst of it.
During one encounter the screams were so short and distinct that I could only describe them as barks, or more accurately, the yips of a pomeranian. Since I had thin walls and a friend over, my siblings and friends would randomly bark at me for some time after that.
I had a neighbour once who hooted like an owl when she came. Middle of the night, I'd get woken up by hoo hoo hoooo HOOOO HOOOOOO
Yeah totally agree. In one session with a girlfriend I was with ages ago, she was standing facing an open ground floor window while we were at it and yelping really loud. It was a bit off putting, but I thought fuck it, it’s your neighbours not mine.
Mile High club. Just dont
i unfortunately have to edit to say I live in Denver, that is not what I am ashamed of
Does the Mile High Club, Solo Aviator Division count?
Laughing at the Solo Aviator Division acronym.
Joning the mile high club seems like it would suck unless you're in first class with a enclosed suite or on a private plane.
If you're not in first/business class, the bathrooms are tiny, oftentimes have piss on the floor, and it's 50/50 whether it smells like shit or not.
There is a service you can rent in Vegas where they take you up for 30mins and you can achieve your mile-high goals while the pilot wears noise canceling headphones. It's basically a small plane with a mattress in the back.
What do you do for the other 25 mins
Call your doctor to see what diseases you contracted from the mattress.
Look at Mr. Big shot here lasting 5 minutes
I think this basically falls into two categories: you either do it in the heat of the moment because you can't stand not having that person for one second longer and therefore the deed lasts an acceptably short time enough that the entire act is very much enjoyable within the throes of passion OR you just try to get a nut in really lackluster conditions for bragging rights. And that's cool; just know that's all it is.
I hate sand.
Mr. Scott, who is this other woman, Ryan, who you refer to here as, "Just as hot as Jan but in a different way?"
had sex on a beach during the early goings of a hurricane. there was a large rock for her to stand and lean against. that was an all timer on the sexual experiences list
I'm the type of person to be out there even without the sex prospect. That sounds fun as fuck.
In water... Hot tub, river, ocean, pool, Dead Sea
You had Dead Sea sex? I accidentally put my head under water and was burned alive! How did you cope?
I farted in the Dead Sea. It makes a vacuum and sucked in a bit o water. My ass burned worse than a week long taco bender
> I farted in the Dead Sea.
There's an old saying, *when you fart into the Dead Sea, the Dead Sea farts into you*.
This is either my favorite quote ever or my favorite made up Reddit quote ever. Thanks either way.
He’s a pickle now.
Threesomes if you don't find the right composition of people. Gotta find people that don't get clingy/jealous, and actually contribute to the group in making sure everyone walks away satisfied.
Also depending on your setting, make sure the other two are at least bi-curious cause otherwise it’s going to be just plain awkward…
It's a great fantasy, but I don't even have to try it to know I could never make it work. Not even once. *I'm* the person that will make sure it can't work. Remember this, reddit, do *not* invite me to your threesome, no matter how much I beg.
So you're canceling for Thursday?
Happened to me last week. Had a threesome set up but there were two no shows.
I still had a decent time though.
It's called a menage a moi.
You made this?
I made this.
This is absolutely going in the joke bank
"It's a group effort, Mark! Pull your weight!"
I think in most people’s threeway fantasy, the other two people are primarily focused on the fantasizer. If all three people involved expect to be the primary focus of the other two, you’re gonna have a bad time.
I used a variation of this joke on my parents at dinner one night.
They were not amused
Self fulfilling joke
Beach sex, fucking awful.
The secret is to lay down a blanket.
And not fucking move off it.
I had a group sex situation and some of the grunts and moans were fucking hilarious and really distracting and not sexy at all. - this one girl sounded like that tortoise having sex and this one guy sounded like he was deadlifting 500lbs. And there’s the queefs, body fluids and the overall smell of high school locker room that builds up.
Sounds like y'all forgot the soft jazz and scented candles.
Got it. Jizz scented candles.
My husband and I were watching a video of turtles having sex (I don’t kink shame but that wasn’t what we were doing) and we were cracking up at the sounds!!
>My husband and I were watching a video of turtles having sex
Mitch McConnell is on OnlyFans?!
ETA: Thanks so much for all the awards and clever replies!
Pro Tip: you can watch him fuck his country for free on YouTube!
"This one girl sounded like that tortise having sex"
I have never heard a tortoise having sex and at this point I'm not too afraid to ask. What does a tortoise sound like when it's having sex?
Here you go friend
I have no regrets.
The girl is not impressed
TIL that moaning is just the sound of the meatlips of your larynx vibrating as you tighten the orifice and blow air through it.
10/10 did not disappoint
That’s why you’ve got to have a bunch of scented candles or peppermint oils
Oh, like a funeral home.
If anyone's getting embalmed in here, it's me.
Close the window! You're lettin' the stank out!
Sex in the water. Any natural lubrication is immediately washed away.
When it comes to sex, water is basically the opposite of lube
Then what's fire when it comes to sex?
A good silicone lube is water proof
I used silicone lube one time. Did the deed, then nutted 3 more times trying to wash that stuff off.
I was cleaning it and it went off!
Another fantasy that I guess I didn’t like was, my girlfriend waking me up with sex in the middle of the night.
I saw a porn like that before and asked my girl if she’d be cool blowing me awake whenever she wakes up in the middle of the night. She thought that was hot so she tried. I didn’t wake up for shit😄😄🤣🤣😂 She told me she sucked me for at least a few minutes and nothing happened. I was still out like a light
Then she tried to kiss my lips and i apparently pushed her face away in my sleep. She went to bed after that.
We laughed about it the next day.
Yes, you have to be waking up this way in the morning, when you are right in the slightly dream phase.
One of my ex-boyfriends gave consent for me to do this. Got a fucking blackeye. He tripped the fuck out.
See that’s what I was afraid of after she told me what happened . I just told her not to try again. I don’t know what I’ll do.
Having my girlfriend sit on my face. She couldn’t stop giggling because my beard was tickling her ass. Great for me but have you ever tried to orgasm while being tickled? Not easy if it’s not your fetish.
That... Actually sounds kind of wholesome compared to the rest of this thread.
falling asleep naked with two women after a threesome. I was so unbearably hot that I thought I might scream but wanted to maintain the fantasy for myself. I think I lay awake for 4 hours.
It’s best when you wake up on a tropical island near the beach like that
Hot tub sex. Oral hot tub is fine. But penetration will be the driest sex of your life.
Edit: OK, because some people haven't figured it out yet. One person sits on the side of the hot tub, the other does the tongue work. Or one can float near the surface on their backs if it's cold out. Holding your breath doesn't really work, nor does going down in 102 degree water. That's a great way to get heat stroke. Have fun folks, but stay hydrated.
The "ram it down her throat till she gags" stuff. An ex was really into the idea and made me do it, but the vomit all over my pelvis and the floor was the biggest turn off I've ever had.
Those are two different fetishes.
Creampies....I have 3 kids now
You didn't learn the first two times?!
It was all at once /s
Task failed successfully?
Get a vasectomy and become the cream pie king you always dreamed you could be
Guilt free raw doggin
Threesomes, all parties involved have to be physically attracted to each other otherwise it’ll be awkward.
Getting a blowjob while playing video games... Turns out I can only focus on one at a time. Same thing applies to road head.
You see that's why you do a passenger side blow job where the person driving sucks your dick and a 3rd person sits in the back to shout directions.
3rd person: “Up”, “Down”, “Up”, “Down”..
I tried it once and she made it a competition to see if she could make me lose. It was fun. I won but it was less her being bad and more me just being competitive lol.
I never liked the idea of road head. That’s a lot of risk for everyone involved.
>I never liked the idea of road head. That’s a lot of risk for everyone involved.
If you need any more convincing, just remember, if the airbag deploys, your dick will be bitten off.
I wouldn't be the one receiving but I was thinking about it once and my first thought was "what if he hits a pothole?" And came to the same conclusion
My K/D is low enough already
if she swallows you'll never catch up to her K/D.
Bondage for me...I like the clothes and accessories, but you either end up being the person who has to do EVERYTHING or you end up wishing you could use your hands at some point.
I meaaaan, maybe I'm doing something wrong, but I ain't got time for that.
For people into BDSM, those things are the draw. The person who's doing everything gets off on being completely in control of the situation and other person . And the other person gets off on the completely lack of control, the zero responsibility in the situation . It's not that you're doing it wrong , it's just not for you .
Try a swing. That way gravity helps with the momentum
Same opinion for me. I love the look and "culture" of it, but theres really a lot of "do or get done to" and thats about it unless you both very specifically outline the play rules.
I dont know if my ex was doing bdsm properly?
There's a lot of discussion involved with bdsm so if that didn't happen then probably not.
Did the whole pee thing. Peeing in her mouth was certainly uh… different. No idea, never really into that as much as she was. We had awesome sex and chemistry through, but to each their own. Open for anything with that one. Sucks it ended.
Bro it’s such an absolute mind fuck the first time you do it, it’s a race against the clock to be flaccid enough to get it done, had to close my eyes to get started the first few times.
My shy bladder hardly allows me to piss at a urinal if someone else is right there. This sounds impossible to me.
I used to have to take piss tests for the Airforce and I always had a rough time. But then I realized I was suckling my stomach in just a bit when someone was watching me. So next time it just won't come out try these two things
1. Relax your gut
2. Choose any longer word and spell it very slowly, such as "elaborate"
Idk why but those two things helped me a lot. And if it works you can starting handing out all the golden showers you'd like.
Dude be careful, you could have gotten her pregnant.
This one might be a bit more vanilla but kissing underwater. They (movies) make it look so romantic and nice but in practice it’s an immediate mouthful of nasty pool water and lots of choking lol.
Shower sex. One is always freezing while the other one is drowning.
Plowing a celebrity. No matter how hot or famous they are, it doesn't matter if they aren't good at it.
And lemme tell ya, Steve Buscemi just lay there and starfished the whole time.
I dated a swimsuit model once who told me not to date swimsuit models. Calorie restrictions leave them lethargic and bony. It would be like fucking a sack of antlers.
I can only imagine he also sounds like a nasally goose during it, too
Cuckolding, I was the person doing the deed with the wife, it started out fun but after a few weeks it was grimm. I kept going back but after one last time I broke and cut contact.
I tried that once. I haven’t had sex in quite a while and I wanted to feel desired so yeah of course I didn’t turn down the offer. The guy was in the other room with the kids while I fucked his wife. I’m not going to lie, at the beginning it was exciting and fun and I played along with her saying degrading stuff about her husband, but after it ended I was like wtf did I just do.
I never knew that driving alone could be awkward but the drive home from her house was. I felt really sick and an awful person and really guilty with myself.
What made it grim? Just knowing the guy was watching or?
He would be waiting outside the room most of the time, she would call him in while we were cooling off and have him bring us drinks, then when I was finished and leaving he would give me a big smile.
After a while I just felt bad about I was doing and I knew it would only escalate.
Did the sound of the Nintendo switch in the other room kill the mood?
Having eggs shoved up your ass.
Scrambled or over easy?
Was it the egg part or the shoving part? Because if you're doing unprepared shoving uhhhh that's a recipe for a disaster, not an omelette
Anything on a park bench. I can't focus on a damn thing when I have to look around all the time just so we don't get caught.
That's the fun/thrill for most people. That fear in the back of their head of getting caught, and if they do, oh well. As someone who also couldn't focus because my head was on a swivel, one day she grabbed my face and was like "focus on me" and it was a game changer. Once I changed my mindset it was actually a great way to get my adrenaline going all while having fun all together.
And then you were escorted out of the school playground.
Sex in the shower sucks. You can barely feel anything due to the extreme amounts of water flowing everywhere and I’ve come close to meeting Jesus early from a slip in there
foreplay in teh shower on the otherhand is great.
The shower: a great place to get head. A bad place for the full monty.
Depending on the shower, getting the angle right on cunnilingus is a damned nightmare.
Cunnilingus quickly becomes waterboarding.
From nom nom nom to WHAARGARBL in 6 seconds flat
Last time me and my bf had shower sex he had to get out and lay down because he was burning up. He said he felt dizzy and he couldn't hear or see right. He loves hot showers.
I disagree, but it also depends on the shower size, I used to have s pretty big one and shower sex was amazing
Anal. I had no idea my wife’s strap on was that big when I brought it up.
Patient: "Doctor, my butt hurts."
Doctor: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"
Patient: "Right around the entrance."
Doctor: "As long as you call it the entrance it will hurt."
But doctor, I am Pegliacci
Don't call me Butt Doctor. I'm a proctologist.
Oh buddy, that sucks. You gotta start small. Like, comically small.
Fuck no go for the 9 incher without any practice
Be a man
Just need a running start
MMF threesome, I am male and rather straight. I am comfortable enough with my sexuality to have done this but it definitely confirmed that I prefer no dudes when I’m having sex.
Did it with my best friend and a girl who was down, the only thing I thought that was kind of cool was hitting it from the back and shoving her face into another dick. Otherwise it was lackluster
If you two had high-fived, it would have been an Eiffel tower...
We did high five
Being a bondage top. It's definitely just how I think, but it's basically glorified babysitting. If I try rope, I'll be in my head about technique and aesthetics, and regardless after...it's major "what next" energy.
Also, fisting as a top (not that I'd know as a bottom). It definitely made me immediately think of anatomy and physiology coloring books and gastroenterology, and I was totally uninterested within moments despite it being that partner's favorite kink.
* Orgies. The noise, the distractions, the smell.....
* Threesome (two women). As a guy, it can be much more tiring than you might think. Erections hate distractions BTW.
* Threesome (one guy and one woman). It can be rough when you or the other guy loses the erection. Depending on what the woman wants, dicks will touch....You have to be able to deal with that.
* Ever been to a gangbang? Sounds hot until you are surrounded by 20 men in various stages of beating off in a cramped hotel room.
* Ever try to FIND a hot single female?
* In your area!?
I tried to find some hot singles but they kept asking for my credit card number🤷♂️
General “public sex.” Like I really just need to keep it in the bedroom.
In college I convinced my now husband to break into our college football stadium at night which resulted in us attempting to have sex at the top of the stadium stairs. It was definitely a B&E since I had to jump over a 12 foot tall fence. When we got to the top of the concrete stair case and tried to make it work, the general dirtiness of it and dead crickets everywhere killed the mood. ** Note, we didn’t break into the stadium specifically to have sex, there was just an attempt**
However we did do it in the middle of our campsite (with zero trees) under a full moon (so we were very visible) and didn’t realize there was a family camping right next to us 😱
I love it but maybe it's not great for those with a significant height difference.
Me and my ex were pretty compatible in terms of height for that, but I'd still rather do one then the other.
Agreed... I don't know if I should moan... Or keep licking??? Ive tried both at the same time and it sounds like I'm having a seizure.
Car sex. Even in an SUV it was uncomfortable and I got rug burns
That's why you stick it in the tailpipe. The car should be off though, I can't stress that enough
Only problem there is if you don't pull out in time your car could turn into a minivan 9 months later.
My ex-boyfriend used to love car sex and would have me straddle him as he **drove** the car. Fucking most terrifying experience of my life, I hated it.
This is how I ended up in a ditch wen I was around 17. It was a gravel road but still too dangerous. I had to lie out my teeth when my dad showed up to pull me out.
That sounds so fucking embarrassing. Thank God I've never needed my dad's help to pull out.
I used to jerk off thinking about having sex. Now during sex i think about jerking off.
Bdsm, idk, just layed there tied and blind folded thinking "I should probably do the laundry tonight...."
Butt sex...my butt hurt