By - flontasticflonson
A bit back there was a little post about someone asking people on reddit to talk them out of wearing a shirt that said "terrorist" on it to the airport.
I nominate that shirt for idiots only ownership.
Reminds me of that 'wholesome' video of a girl taking her first boyfriend to meet her parents, and the guy wore a Playboy shirt for this special occasion...
Oh lord. I was just shaking my head watching that.. Any other shirt dude, come on..
*Any* other shirt? "Your daughter calls me daddy too" seems appropriate to me.
I'm sure a real terrorist would love to wear that shirt though!
The anti 5G cage for your router
A what??... I gotta Google this.
Edit: lol. People who buy these are idiots and people selling them are genius.
Also just type "anti 5g " in the search bar to see all kinds of weird suggestions.
Wow, you really can just label any product "Anti 5G" and morons will buy it
One is literally a thumb drive. Marketed as a house shield against "5G waves" and priced at 60 bucks. Same site sold the thumb drive for 3 bucks.
I saw a posting for "Let's go Brandon" anti 5g stickers! Also a "supplement" that is $165 for one month supply lmao god knows what's even in it.
Robin Williams had a bit in his standup about people who bought those shock-belts for your abs and said they should strap it to their heads instead and shock themselves into not buying stupid shit off tv.
Legit, anyone who remembers the 90s there was SO MUCH garbage being hawked on tv informercials and 90% of it was garbage. My grandfather (RIP) used to get tons of that shit and it was all just nonsense. The two that stood out for me were the Qray bracelet and the ab shocker. But they had tons of garbage…. He also fought a very aggressive cancer for 20+ years and left the world kicking and screaming. He’d buy anything and take any treatment under the sun to keep going. Witnessing that really affected my feelings about how I want my life to end when it happens.
Alright, so for what it's worth the ab shocker gizmo works like a TENS unit. TENS units are really beneficial if used correctly and they have the potential to "work out" muscles at a low fitness level. Will they melt off your belly fat though? Heeellll no. TENS unit type devices are mostly good for improving circulation, reducing pain, preventing atrophy, giving a *low* level exertion to the muscles they target. Source: Healthcare field.
TENS units have their place and benefits but the way the ab shocker was advertised is ridiculous. One cannot keep sitting on the couch and eating all the empty calories they want and rely on transdermal electric muscle stimulation to fix their keg into a six pack, lol.
I looove my TENS unit. It’s small, it’s quiet, it doesn’t make my drowsy the way my pain meds do sometimes, and it’s been absolutely great for my quality of life having chronic pain. I can throw it in my purse before I go out anywhere and if I get caught in a sudden pain flare while out and about at uni or work or errands I can go to a bathroom and apply it and stick the device in my pocket.
If you suffer from a regular pain (lower back, abdominal, leg, wrist, etc.) I would recommend investing the odd $20-30 it costs to grab a personal use one. Not as strong as the ones at the PT of course but definitely a relief at moments. It’s been great for my endo flares to work alongside pain meds when it’s at its worst too.
Thank you for sharing this. I have a small portable tens unit and a poor memory ( forgot I have it). I’m waiting for knee surgery in two weeks and have to make a long drive to a different doctor appointment tomorrow. I’ve been worried about how I’m going to manage my current pain without muscle relaxers/ pain meds. I will be taking my tens unit with me instead. Thank you! You are a life-saver!
Carpeted bathroom floors
The first house I bought had these. I told my wife I could easily remove it and replace it once we moved in. She insisted that it be fixed and replaced before we ever set foot in there. She convinced me and I’m glad she did.
We bought our house 2 years ago from a boomer couple that did almost nothing except paint and siding since 1984. The carpets in the master bathroom were original. The color underneath the carpet and the stains on the pad still give me nightmares. Years of piss and wet people scuzz. Shudders.
Also, fuck wallpaper.
Edit: link to pic of old carpet and remodel. I didn’t take more photos of the carpet because I had gloves on and didn’t want to touch my phone. Trust me. Gross.
When I was growing up we had carpeted bathroom... at one point we got an extension built and my room got an en suite (my gran used my room when she stayed so it was for her not me and was useful when my dad had cancer treatment and used my room).
They had carpet fitted in that bathroom too.
I shudder to think what the floor under that carpet looked like tbh... to much info but when I started getting my period I tried out menstrual cups for a spell... once while I was learning how to use them I dropped it (I quickly learnt to take it out while sat on the toilet not stood next to it which, at the time, was the advice for newbies)... it honestly looked like a murder scene but I was so proud of how well I got the stain out of the carpet.
It wasn't until this very moment that I thought about under the carpet.
I kind of feel sorry for the people who bought our house... imagine pulling up the carpet and seeing blood stains!
My grandparents had a pink shag-carpeted bathroom with a matching pink shag-carpeted toilet seat. Shit was wild.
My grandparents' was ocean blue, and the shag carpet went up the side of the tub. Always hated using their bathroom, too, because it smelled exactly like a (cleaned) public bathroom.
They are disgusting and gross. But the reason they're primarily owned by the elderly is because a hard slick tiled floor is virtually a death trap for the enfeebled. A bathroom fall could be fatal for them. Or any epileptic. Though the conversation around why generally tiptoes that subject for the sake of dignity.
Plus they feel nice to your feet. At least that's what I enjoyed about them when I was a kid.
It does sound nice on a cold winter morning
let me go check in my garage
Was the hummer still there?
It's smart as long as you take it with the pussy magnet
Bet you can’t find the 10mm socket
One of those peeing Calvin bumper stickers. It was never in Calvin and Hobbes! Not once!
It is also not officially licensed and Bill Watterson sees none of the profits. People who sell them are grifters taking advantage of his aversion to legal action.
Not only are they not licensed but he straight up hates them because they're not in character for Calvin. Him peeing on something because he doesn't like it doesn't make sense, he's only ever in trouble for being creative or trying to avoid things he doesn't like; bedtime, school, homework, Miss Wormwood, ect. He never acts out of malice or does anything destructive without a good intention behind it, like hammering nails into the coffee table is destructive but the motive was constructive and to help his mother.
Calvin peeing stickers are the worst.
I don't remember the nails in the coffee table being to help his mother, I thought she runs in asking what is he doing and he looks pensive then asks if it's some kind of truck question and his mum facepalms.
Been a minute since I red it though.
She exclaims "what are you doing to the coffee table???", he looks at it blankly for a panel, and then says, "is this a trick question?"
My take was he wasn't being malicious, just bored and thoughtless.
Yeah. The mother should have asked "why". The "what" was obvious. Calvin took the question literally. At least that's how I took it.
About 90% of the shit I own that clutters up my house.
Me too. Most of it from the Dollar Tree. Which you can argue either way if it’s smart to shop there or the dumbest thing you can do.
"Official" naming of a star.
Can confirm. Do own one. Am idiot.
You can just name them for free. Named one after my dog that I had to put down. Nobody was there to stop me. I don't remember which one it is, but next time you look up at night, one of those guys is named Stogie.
I'm glad everyone is getting drunk/high and naming shit after lost pets.
Toasting to Stogie tonight.
Please have one for Pablo too
I got you and pablo.
Cheers, and good smoke
Hey thanks man.
Who else needs one? I'm getting sloppy tonight
*Here's to you and yours. Cheers
My chihuahua Munson is perfectly healthy. He's also a prick. Probably should have a smoke and few shots for him
Here's to the health of your little prick chihuahua.
You can get a 1" square piece of Scotland and be called Lord or Lady.
You used to get a square foot for free when you bought a bottle of some Islay whiskeys.
Still can with Laphroaig
Absolutely! And my kingdom grows larger with every bottle.
Would someone have any legitimate claim to any land if they showed up in Scotland with 12,000 of these pieces of paper from a whiskey company giving them a piece of land?
This might be better suited to ask in r/legaladviceofftopic or something.
Even if these claims are actually legit and legally enforceable (which... let's just say I have questions), it's highly unlikely that they would be adjacent square-feet of land, so you wouldn't be able to do anything useful with it.
EDIT: so it turns out that it's square inches of land, not square feet. I have a few less questions now.
All of mine are square feet. None are adjacent to the others. I currently have eleven from the Laphroaig Distillery. Good stuff. I'm an Oak Level member so I get all the good stuff if I ever visit.
There's a little bit more to it than that. Plots come in different sizes, but none of them are one square inch. Also, the money goes toward a land preserve and planting trees. I bought one for my mom so she can tell all of her friends that she's going to visit her estate in Scotland when she goes on vacation.
I did the same! It’s a cute way to promote conservation.
I got them for my husband and I this Christmas, we framed the certificates. It was a fun gift and donates to needed land preserve.
Actually, it's laird not lord.
And yes I own one, so you will address me as laird you peasant.
And yes I am an idiot. But at least I helped preserve a square piece of nature from Glencoe woods. My name is even on it.
I have a false beard I sometimes use for driving. I call it my driving beard. Am a lady.
I’m not opposed to it, but… why?
Here’s my theory and it stems from a story from my mom. She wants to look like a man. In 1994 my mom worked as a bartender and got off work about 1:30 am and lived approximately 20 minutes from the bar to her house. Being as late as it was and where she lived (outside of town on a gravel road) she knew at a certain point a car shouldn’t be behind her. This particular night a car had pulled out from a gas station a couple blocks away from her work and kept following and following. My mom turned down her normal road and so did the car that was behind her and she knew something was up. So she drove past her house to the next house about a 1/4 mile down the road and pulled in their driveway and immediately began honking her horn the guy of the house came out on to the front porch yelling and the car that had pulled in behind my mom took off. Two weeks later a guy was arrested for attempting to kidnap a woman that had gotten off work and had followed her to her house (presumably the same guy) In his car was all sorts of shit like duct tape, rope etc. For the next several years my mom wore a baseball hat and a Santa Claus beard when she drove late at night to make it appear that she was a man.
As a dude I would feel a little nervous about walking home alone at night. Women feel a whole other level of shit, I would be scared to be a woman
'You're honor, I am a woman. How would a a man with a beard be me..'
Also, I guess just general safety driving late at night.
Ahh, in Canada, the person who registered the car is responsible for the drivers photo ticket.
So that wouldn’t save you here.
There are no demerits and it’s not criminal court. The same rules don’t apply.
The fact you never returned to explain is even funnier.
“I said what I said”
This sounds like something from Month Python’s The Life of Brian. Specifically, the [stoning scene](https://youtu.be/bDe9msExUK8).
You pieth of thit.
A darwin award
Someone else’s? Because you don’t get your own, it’s in the estate
The requirement is actually not death, just removing oneself from the gene pool.
So any event that results in infertility would qualify just as well as death. Of course, in both cases you can't have any children already.
There's one guy whose Darwin Award involved a piece of rusty rebar ripping off his balls. I forget the specifics of it, but he's the only living Darwin Award recipient I know of.
A boat owner
You know what’s the best kind of boat? Someone else’s.
I sold my sailing dinghy to a guy that runs a sailing club. I don't have to pay for moorage/maintenance or store the thing at my place anymore etc and I just have to give the guy $20 to rent it for the day. I feel like I came out on top there.
My father in law loves tinkering with boats and knows what he's doing, and the damn things still sputter and stall in the water.
He’s in love with the build, not the finished project.
(Source: make gaming PCs and mod Skyrim)
I know a guy who spent years saving up for a nice fishing boat.
Then he realized all his fishing buddies already had boats.
Honestly, of all of the boat cliches, this is the most accurate. Even dogging your friend into buying one if none of your friends have a boat is better than buying one yourself.
If you were meant to have a boat, you don't even think about it. Stupid anecdote, but driving my 2004 Duramax truck, I parked at the grocery store bought some stuff and came out to start it and head on to my brother's barbecue. Truck starts and dies 10 seconds later.
It took me 15 minutes, but got it started. I did a little troubleshooting, it lost its prime. A problem for another day after I primed it.
But if your car won't start and you resort to a tow truck, that is not a good option on a boat. It is a last last resort.
I have had a boat since 2003, and I have had to be towed twice. Both times were within a year of buying a boat where I didn't know it's maintenance history. At least six different times I had a boat break down that I literally fixed on the water.
My dad is not a mechanical type person. He bought a boat brand new because new doesn't break right? The second trip out one of the engines blew up. Literally nobody's fault. One of the most reliable Cummins engines on the planet, the 6BTA, blew up.
Doesn't matter how new the boat is. It matters how well it is kept. If you like that sort of thing, like I do, boats are amazing. Very few people I know like that sort of thing. They all look for friends with boats. And that is really the absolute win.
As another boat owner, I agree completely.
I've used it twice this summer and both times I basically forced myself to use it since I pay for it.
I think about just getting rid of it every single winter but as summer approaches I talk myself out of it and insist I'll use it every night, take weekend trips, etc.
Boss at my last job bought a boat. Suspect he used it 5 times before selling it. Storing it would have cost him more except he happened to have a spare warehouse he'd bought in anticipation of possible future expansion, so it was already empty.
Had he hired a boat for a thousand a day a few times, he'd have spent much less money.
So what I think I've learned here is that if you own a boat you should be renting it out to people smart enough to not buy a boat.
I've heard the two happiest days of a boat owner's life are the day he bought the boat and the day he sold it.
A boats a boat but the mystery box could be anything. It can even be a boat!
Luggage with combination 1-2-3-4-5
I can’t make decisions; I’m a president!
“ Why didn’t anyone tell me my ass got so big?”
Hopefully we'll all see each other again in SpaceBalls 2 - The search for more money!
I'm just happy to be here in - SpaceBalls : The Comment Section.
Hey that’s the combination to my luggage!
President Scroob! Salute!
The ship's too big, if I walk, the movie would be over.
IDK seems like the luggage code of a high ranking government official maybe a president even.
It'd be hilarious if someone gave this comment a gold
Edit: Jesus, it wasn't that funny
Ask and you shall receive
Hmmm... it'd be hilarious if I got a million bucks
Okay, now check your front pocket.
Now check your prison pocket!
A degree from Hustler's University
School of hard knocks as well.
A joint checking account with a Nigerian prince.
You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
Hahaha thank you so much I heard it so clearly xD
A shirt with "Alpha Male" on it.
Now I kinda wanna make a t-shirt that says "Alpha Male" but in the font style normally used for Barbie. I'm very small and very girly so I think it would piss those guys off.
You've got my mind working. How about a shirt that has some sort of "manly" Punisher like aesthetic, but it says Alphabet Male and has an image of Big Bird.
Alpha mail, with stamps.
Alfalfa Male (or mail), for those of us in the country.
Or, a picture of Alfalfa from the Little Rascals on it.
That makes me smile. DOO IT.
As a large, semi-muscular man, I would also like this shirt. Pink sparkle writing please.
Get it in a V-neck smedium with a European cut.
I have a light pink shirt with a care bears looking rainbow on it and a caption underneath that reads "DEATH METAL". It's a bit small so my pecs strain the fabric and the sleeves cut into my arms. I *love* the looks I get in that shirt.
Reminds me of that picture of the band list for a metal festival and all the band names looks super generic black and white then smack dab in the middle is a band called Party Cannon with big bubbly colorful letters. Awesome marketing.
Party Cannon are legit, as are Raised By Owl, two bands making death metal fun again.
Oh man, some older folks I know paid $20k for a timeshare in Mexico. They were so stoked, they thought they'd gotten the deal of the century. We agreed to accompany them there the next year. They went to go check with the timeshare people to see how much more it was worth now. They were told the market had collapsed and it was worth about $500. The look on their faces was horrible. BUT, not to worry, for only $5000 they could transfer their interest into a new timeshare that was positioned much better to increase in value which would rescue their investment. Fortunately they did not go for that. But the way these companies take advantage of naive/elderly people is pretty f-ing horrible.
“This asshole tried to sell us one week of a timeshare. We took the prick for three!”
Was drinking with a bunch of buddy’s and bullshitting about how stupid time shares were. My best friend was oddly quiet on the topic and had a weird look so I jokingly asked him if he had a time share in Mexico. He indeed had got swindled at a bar and bought into a time share in Mexico. He’s had it for 5 years and still hasn’t used it.
Co-worker bragged for years about how his family owns a condo in Myrtle Beach that they all went to yearly together. Then one year he let slip that they only have it two weeks a year.
The weird thing is that sounds like someone who actually does get value from their time share if they're using it every year. They're stupid for lying about owning it outright though.
But did he get to meet O'kelly on his yacht?
It’s dumb to buy it, but he’s even dumber for not using it. Like, if you’re paying for it, you may as well get something from it.
My boyfriends mom had one, we convinced her she should cancel it so she scheduled a meeting, and proceeded to get a second. This lady has zero financial skills and is going to give both of us an aneurysm.
Woah that’s bad lol.
My MIL has a timeshare to a place in Cuba. She has gone twice lol. More over when me and my wife went to Mexico, our MIL was trying to convince my wife to get one. She literally does not believe her purchase was a bad idea.
I remember the first time my mom had taken my entire family on a vacation she "had" to leave my brother and I out.
As a way to make it up for us, she gave us a cruise. Except you had to attend a two hour time share presentation.
Jesus fuck i've never seen something so manipulative in my life.
"Don't YOU deserve a vacation?"
I'm on one. Fuck off.
Self incriminating evidence
Not covered under comprehensive (act of God) ?
There’s a lesbian girl at my daughters high school with truck nuts on her car.
Truck nuts and headlight eyelashes are the way to go
Now that's trans-portation!
Fake hood scoop, vents, chrome trims and other adhesive car accessories.
You would hate Houston
This made me laugh my ass off cause it’s so true.
Back in the early 2000s I fished a bunch of that stuff out of the autozone bargain bin and made my gaming PC into a hot rod. Even used some LED washer nozzles as headlights.
Need For Speed Underground probably ran 5fps faster with these add-ons, I respect functional modifications.
It's so weird when I see like a '98 Oldsmobile with vents on the side, like who are you kidding?
I usually assume those are ironic, like a spoiler on a minivan.
Some older minivans, station wagons and suv's came with a rear spoiler stock.
It was not for downforce or looks but rather downdraft to remove snow, rain and dirt from the rear window in lieu of a rear window wiper.
You have just answered a question I've been asking myself for years. Are they also used on some race cars? I recall seeing a BMW E30 track car with a carbon fibre wing on the back but also a smaller spoiler at the top of the rear window directing the air downwards. Is this the same thing?
Edit: [here's an image ](https://farm5.static.flickr.com/4044/4544430176_e49c08c366.jpg)
That thing that artificially makes your engine sound louder
Something I read over 10 years ago
"only an idiot would own a boxed set of Friends, it's on TV more than the news"
Probably not as relevant nowadays!
My college roommate had the entire series. She had to listen to it in the background to sleep. I’m shocked she managed to get married to someone who wasn’t David Schwimmer.
How she doin’?
Tom Brady's last play football. Purchased for over $500,000, only for Tom Brady to sign with the buckaneers for another season making the ball essentially worthless.
Makes me laugh every time!
I think the auction house ended up canceling the sale
A lot of good answers, but I'll say a shake weight
Oh god. My MIL had one and it was truly disturbing watching her demonstrate it.
Shake weight, thigh master combo!
As a non american, I always thought shake weight was a South Park thing
A magnetic energy wrist band thingy, that makes you stronger and more balanced. Often sold at mall kiosks and sporting events. I actually really like these, they make it easy to identify idiots quickly.
These were popular at my highschool for a while, although I don’t think anyone took them seriously. One time a guy had one and someone asked to try it on so he walked over to give it to them and no joke the *second* the thing left his wrist he tripped lol.
Those seat belt inserts so they don’t have to wear their seatbelts and don’t have to listen to the car beeping. Bonus points if they get the bottle opener style.
Edit: the 1% of ranch owners and off-roaders aside I think it’s pretty obvious why these were made and who they’re marketed towards. For the people who have loads in their passenger seat, can you not simply plug in the actual seat belt and accomplish the same thing without having to buy anything?
I saw a double whammy last week when I was meeting some friends for dinner. The parking lot was packed and I thought "hey I'll park next to this super nice looking audi cause they probably won't ding my car"... got out and caught a glimpse of a white claw can in the cupholder AND one of those seat belt things.
Having lived in DC...not true at all. A masarati destroyed my bumper parallel parking. Damage to his bumper probably exceeded the cost of my car.
Everyone's cars were dinged to hell. A lexus or Mercedes was just as likely to open their door into your car as a civic or equinox.
>can you not simply plug in the actual seat belt and accomplish the same thing without having to buy anything?
I find it very funny that people have gone out and bought this device instead of just doing that. If you're regularly driving solo, just keep it plugged in.
Running around the farm I'll hook up the seat belt behind me for those tasks where I'm in and out of the truck a bunch. It only takes a second, I can't see how some gadget would be better.
Come by my place sometime. I'll show you all KINDS of stuff an idiot would own
Edited to thank whomever for the award!!
Inviting strangers off the Internet to your home is something an idiot would do.
Accepting said invitation from an idiot online is also something an idiot would do.
Soo, you're not coming, is what you're telling me?
What are you, an idiot? Of course we're coming!
Never change, Reddit.
Hey, do you guys have an extra seat in the car?
Plenty of space in my Ford Pinto sedan, hop in!
Sure! Where do you live and what times are you not at home so i don’t miss you?
I'm *juuussst* East of North and I'll be around between now and then
That “extended warranty” for their car they bought from that nice lady who called last week
I keep telling them I have obscure or shitty cars. No one laughs.
1992 Chevy Cavalier. Will you give me a warranty?
No? How about an '88 Lancia Delta Integrale Evo 2?
I was serendipitously watching a re-run of The Simpsons when one called.
I decided to claim that I owned Mr. Burns's 1932 Stutz Bearcat.
Cleveland Browns season tickets
8 guitars when i can barely play a few songs to completion
Thank you for the award, kind stranger.
This has inspired me to try and retackle "Crazy Train", a song I found too intimidating the first time I tried to learn it several months ago. Come on, guys, pick up those axes.
But how else will you barely play in 8 different tunings?
Edit: Well this blew up! Thanks all :-)
Also it's good to have one ready to go if you break a string, which is fairly common. You dont want to have to change a string and retune in the middle of a performance.
As a guitarist, I own more than one because they feel and play differently as well. Some sound better for certain genres and specific songs as well. Tuning and string gauge is another reason as you mentioned as well as action (string height from the fretboard) - which impacts slide guitar, etc.
Plus you need one in every room in case the urge hits to start noodling and/or wailing.
I have about 20 ukuleles. I know zero songs. I also have bipolar disorder. This was definitely a manic moment.
>definitely a manic moment.
Wait, you bought all 20 at once?
No. It was over the course of maybe 9 months or so? It’s really hard to remember time when I’m manic. But there was one time during that episode where I bought a uke because another one I had ordered got delayed. I didn’t need either of them obviously. Bipolar is fucking nuts. It’s hard to describe how being manic feels. But a big part of it, for me at least, is feeling impulsive and confident with a complete disregard for any possible negative consequences. Of course I can afford a few thousand bucks worth of ukuleles! I’ll just pick up extra hours at work! Almost like a drunk buying the bar a round when he knows damn well his wallet is at home, but he figures it’ll work out.
Noah and the wale - 5 years time. Literally took me 30 seconds to learn
Completion is nice, but it's all about getting there
One of those pseudoscience devices that are supposed to de-magnetise the air, or something equally absurd
You say that now, but when big pharma tries to ionize your blood you'll be begging to use my blood deionizer
A copy of their “rights as a sovereign citizen”
I went on a road trip with some friends years back. One of them had one of those "sovereign citizen" papers, also some paper on his "rights as a traveler"
He claimed he didnt need a license to drive a car because of that. I called bullshit on it.
Well after a long night of driving I let him take the wheel for awhile. He ends up speeding and getting pulled over. Starts begging people in the car to "trade places with him"
I asked why he doesnt just explain to the cop his "rights as a traveler", dude had nothing to say. He ended up getting a ticket, and I ended up having to take the wheel and cut my nap short
So... did he stop with the sovereign citizen bullshit after that?
Actually about a day after that incident he got whiny as hell, and then decided to hitchhike from southern california back to Nebraska after an argument.
I briefly saw him at a festival a few months later, but other than that I havent seen him since.
I'm assuming hes still on his same bullshit
Doing the Lord's work.
Post this in /r/maliciouscompliance
A wild animal. Thinking about the woman who was just photographed walking her pet alligator around who is an “emotional support animal” 🙄
Anything from an MLM business
A golden toilet
Expensive and uncomfortable name-brand anything
Excuse the dumb link. It's a $580 tshirt that has the word "Gucci" printed on it.