T O P
drlongtrl

Then I´d have to stop doing it in public obviously.


Strict_Antelope_6893

Time for wank riot


LaDiabete

Wank Riot..New name for my band..we play with Pussy Riot and together we're The Wanking Pussy Riot🤘🤘🤘


palmvos

Ok, when are the albums/bootlegs cuming out?


LaDiabete

"Spank N Wank" should be ready in time for Christmas this year


Primary-Strawberry-5

Spank and Wank in your stocking this year?


LaDiabete

Haha so much more satisfying than figgy pudding


shodanbo

You're first single ... "Flicking the Bean"


ComprehensiveDark7

(Don’t) Flick the Bean. Pussy Riot feat. Wank Riot


LaDiabete

I'm streaming our first rehearsals right.here.


LaDiabete

Our soon to be no 1 hit


Hairydone

It hasn’t started yet? I came too early.


Strict_Antelope_6893

Cops can’t do anything because the ground is too sticky


Basil-the-Bat-Lord

The police were looking for hardened criminals.


straycollector

Put your hands up. That's it. NO JUST KEEP THEM UP


ResortFar6638

No, they get horny and join in


Blinky_

*< respect faps >*


NostradaMart

That might become the name of your game if woman start the sex strike they're talking about :P


The_Golden_Boy7

Most sane reddit user


Snoo80826

That’s hot.


breadlord07

OH


GrillDealing

I went to my doctor and he said you need to stop masturbating. I asked why. He said because I'm trying to examine you.


akihonj

Based


BeardInTheNorth

Basted.


Coolboy42909

Fuck you now take my upvote.


Sandpaper_Pants

Wanted in 14 counties of this state... The condemned is found guilty of the crimes of felonious masturbation Therefore, according to the powers vested in us, we sentence the accused here before us... Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez... (Known as The Rat) and any other aliases he might have, to hang by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on his soul. Proceed.


Great_Breeze

Mood


Use-a-Coaster

They can take it from my COLD DEAD HANDS!


Shan-Chat

The greater the risk, the greater the reward.


CJRedbeard

Nah, you'd just lie about not doing it in public.


rurdytoboogie

I wonder if watching you in public will be illegal too


Scriptapaloosa

Walmart is not a public place, it’s private, open to the public mastrubaters like you…


TheGalacticPenguin

Just don’t get caught at home now


FamiliarSalamander2

Which one of you psychopaths gave him a wholesome award?


rom92293

We


Unlikely_Insurance81

Wait, you've been doing it publicly.......... 🫢


jackfaire

All of the left socks will stop mysteriously disappearing in the laundry


AlphaManipulator

Whooooa hold up… there are left and right socks?!?


jackfaire

Supposedly? I dunno I just put a pair of socks on my feet I've never thought much about it.


AlphaManipulator

I mean, it makes perfect sense! I’m a little shocked I never already thought of this!! Maybe this is why I have days where I feel like too much sock is pushing against my little toes in my shoes? 😂


duckedbyaporcupine

Ralph Lauren has a logo on each sock so you know left from right on because the logo should always be on the outside of the foot.


swamptaint

Well if the logo is inside your foot something is wrong


TheStudyOfWombology

Damnit I knew I was putting my socks on wrong


Irishknife

depends on the socks. I have pairs that indicate which side the big toe is supposed to be on but they all stretch. doesnt really matter.


TwistedDecayingFlesh

Some socks are universal but some do come with a left and right and you'll either see an L or R on the sole of the sock or on the ankle part. My diabetic socks and old rugby socks had left and right.


AlphaManipulator

I presumed I’d mixed up L arge and R egular 🤦‍♂️


Nate5162

Aww, your socks have diabetes?


Scriptapaloosa

Yes, when you wash them with high fructose detergent, it’s bound to happen…..


MadxCarnage

no, don't fall to big sock propaganda. they make you believe they're different so you always buy them in pair, then they employ gremlins to steal 1 so you have to buy another set.


JamieDrone

Upvoted cause pfp is close to mine


LeeRoyJenkins024

I just assumed I always got them on the correct foot


Ok_Dog_4059

Maybe I just have odd feet because nobody around me know what I am talking about but I can definitely tell my left and right socks apart after wearing them a couple times.


KingIcy5902

Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong pair of socks


MiekTheRedMage

Why do you only fuck the left ones?


AE_WILLIAMS

Because all the right ones ran off, so these were left.


ResortFar6638

Take my upvote and leave


jackfaire

Lol fuck if I know. I've never used a sock to jerk off. I didn't even know other guys did that until I saw American Pie in high school. But given that's a thing and people for years have talked about left or right or whatever socks "disappear from the wash" I figured that's where the sock was going.


wild-runner

Ah. You’re the apple pie guy


Twittersux

I alternate between the left and right hands, use different techniques respectively, while watching my custom made porn clip in repeat until finished.


Hairy-Ad-4018

Only if circumcised


ARealBlueFalcon

Eww that is gross. Right sock is the only way to go.


JuniorAd389

Mama I'm a criminal


SoCalThrowAway7

Mamaaaa I just killed a couple million mennnnn*. Put a sock up to my head, pulled the trigger now they’re deadddd *not guaranteed to be men


HoosierBabie

I’m sitting in my office cackling over this comment 😂😂


Scriptapaloosa

Yeah right… you’re probably mastrubating….


hvw123

We have all read this while singing the melody in our heads, haven't we?


SoCalThrowAway7

As long as you heard the footnote in the voice of the guy who quickly reads the side effects at the end of pill commercials


Tobi_chills455

Law can't stop me, neither can Jesus christ


Gyoza-shishou

Law didn't stop me lying about my age on those sites for over a decade, sure as hell ain't stopping me now!


Zealousideal_Ad8131

Absolutely nothing would change in how people masturbate.


Lincomic

I think porn would be illegal so some change


Clint-witicay

Nah, they’ll go back to labeling it “educational material” and bring back the adult theaters.


AE_WILLIAMS

"A Scholarly Examination" "Schoolhouse Rules" "Academic Pursuits" Yeah, I can see that...


wholefoodsconnoiseur

Welcome class, today we will be studying “HOT BLONDE MILF ABSOLUTELY PUNISHED BY STEP DAD”.


Clint-witicay

They don’t mention it in the film but this move when performed by a male Over 6” in Length is called “cervicus deletus”


Twittersux

A man of culture I see.


mynewaccount4567

I think just finding internet porn would be much easier than rushing a raid of the local adult theater.


Appropriate-Branch25

VPN bruh


wanttofeelneeded

why would it be illegal tho? its masturbation that becomes illegal, how do u want to ban porn? I watch it for entertainment, never touched my peepee while watching it


dr1fter

You assume there's a world where they can come for masturbation (et al), but they'll be rational about continuing to allow you this sinful entertainment?


wanttofeelneeded

tbh I didn't understand it


RavenBrannigan

I watch it for the stories…


bespectacledbengal

But for some, it would change _why_ they do it


Greg0692

Today I fap *FOR THE RESISTANCE*!!


YDOULIE

*he says as he joins the public circle jerk*


revtim

from my cold dead hands!


AReferenceYouGet

Saving this for potential protest signs.


Cosity82

Only 17 upvotes?!? Was going to comment this, then saw post was 15 hours old and figured it’d be top comment with mounds of gold! I don’t have hold to give ya so high five bro! Edit: Fuck it! It’s gold Jerry, GOLD!!


Coordinated_Turn

Catch me if you can.


wiegehts1991

Just caught you red handed


no_username6555

You mean white handed


chilledout9191

Well then they can suck my dick


KindaKrayz222

Yeah, cuz that's not maturation! 😆🤣


Blastoxic999

Well it is obviously already mature so...


MiekTheRedMage

God. Fucking. Damn it. Shut up and take my up vote.


Weekly_Palpitation92

r/angryupvote


lifeinmisery

When masturbation is outlawed, only outlaws will masturbate..


Crayonalyst

Boston skeet party? Everybody jizz in the river?


Javik2188

It wouldn't happen as the banning of something considered healthy in small squirts would be extremely difficult to enforce let alone control or regulate it. Remember, there were certain people in the past who have resorted to idotic ideas such as corn flakes and forced male circumcision to control masturbation.


DuraiPace53101

Corn flakes.....?


DrManhattan_DDM

The creator of corn flakes thought that people eating certain foods was a contributing factor to the puritanical view of sexual deviancy. Corn flakes were one of his ideas meant to be a breakfast food that wouldn’t provoke lustful thoughts and actions. It is 100% as stupid as it sounds lol. On the other hand, those breakfast sausage links got me thinking thoughts 🥵


DuraiPace53101

How even...? The only thing I got from binge eating corn flakes is an allergy from the toxic crap they put in that stuff.


PowerlineCourier

you telling me you haven't eaten a banana in the morning and gotten an urge to suck a dick and jack off


DuraiPace53101

I cut my bananas with a knife. I also think of throwing uncut bananas at someone like a boomerang.


PowerlineCourier

cutting your bananas up effectively cancels out the phallic excitement of gobbling down a breakfast banana. therefore cornflakes, as a vehicle to sliced banana, reduce banana induced fallation fantasies by a measurable percentage. masturbation cured.


DoomGuy2187

Well, I cut my popsicles with a knife. No one bothered me after that.


DuraiPace53101

Dang...


InuitOverIt

"This cereal I made is terrible and nobody wants to buy it. Better tell people the devil is in them making them jerk off, and the cereal is the cure!"


Jhilixie

What did I just read?


terpterpin

Plus no one is really serious. I have stayed with Catholic relatives who will not allow non-married or same sex couples to share a bed in their houses yet never warns anyone not to masturbate.


Easy-Let-2431

Small squirts was all I read


JakeFromFarmState1

OP getting life without parole 😆


Skwareblox

You've been fapped to, you've been cummed to by a *whip noise* a smooth criminal!


Lucky-Ring-6365

With my current medication my libido is so low that I could live in peace without a problem of becomming a criminal lol I like it


TrashOpen2080

Lexapro?


Darkurn

I don't think anything would change since its already illegal to masturbate in public, unless the government is gonna go and put cameras in people's houses forcefully, nothing will change.


InuitOverIt

It would probably be enforced like drugs, you can smoke crack in your house and probably not get caught unless a neighbor calls or the cops come by for another reason and find paraphernalia (in this case, porn, vibrators, cum boxes).


UrzaHighArtificer

Politicians would become even more corrupt. If that’s even possible.


Great_Breeze

When they become more corrupt, do they evolve into godless machines of chaos?


MiekTheRedMage

As a godless person I resent this and will have you know our murder overlords are quite orderly.


signal_tower_product

I’d be a 5 star in GTA


Inversepsycho

You ask this question, but there is already a abstinence only, no sex before marriage bill proposed


cellphone_blanket

that sounds like the most pro-masturbation bill ever


Low_Ad_3139

Tf?


Teknoman117

You can't just dump this on us without a source. My inkling is that some backwards conservative US state was trying to ban sexual health education.


thesmobro

Anyone who would want masturbation banned would be affected by it the most, since they don’t get anything from their wives


CommadorVic20

you really want everyone doing that in jail? as if there is a not a enough already?


eggy_delight

Spank tank located next to the drunk tank


LemonZeppelin27

There would be underground masturbation parties and masturbation dealers selling sex toys.


MumpsTheMusical

Some guy in a trench coat opens one side of his coat and reveals an assortment of dildos. "Could I interest you in a Glorp?"


Jordandavis7

OP is feeling the heat


flat_moon_theory

I'm rehearsing a piece of performance art about the demonization of human sexuality


Notdennisthepeasant

I'd get off faster, most likely


such-petty-martinets

Underrated comment 🤣


Killawife

Breaking the law! Breaking the law!


EZme816

We beat off in private anyways. What’re they gonna do? Come door to door to check our trouser’s?


[deleted]

How would they prove it though? Like, they can regulate porn or whatever but if you're not using that sort of thing, who's checking?


FlyingWaffle96

That law would be really hard to enforce


lazyboyzzzzz

Yeah I mean what would they do put motion sensors in out genitalia.


AE_WILLIAMS

Fitbit reports directly to NSA, (No Self Abuse) database, and now you're on a list...


7Moisturefarmer

Apple Watch.


lazyboyzzzzz

Yeah I mean what would they do put motion and heat sensors in out genitalia.


Teknoman117

That sort of exists, but it's for counting night-time erections to help diagnose ED...


Professional_Let1468

unfortunately, rape cases would probably increase. prostitution would also increase, it sucks that prostitution is illegal in certain places because then more people would be dying of STD’s


BurpYoshi

I doubt it. If you'd be willing to literally rape someone you're not going to be afraid of having a cheeky fap at home alone where literally nobody could report you.


CRoseCrizzle

You are aware that rape is also illegal, right? Why would someone who doesn't want to break the law to fap, then turn around to do something worse that is also breaking the law.


Professional_Let1468

damn, i really didn’t think that through when i commented 😂


BillyYumYumTwo-byTwo

Rape wouldn’t change because it’s not about sexual satisfaction, it’s about power. Also, unless there are government cameras in your home or you were doing it publicly, no one is going to know. But riskier to rape someone than masturbate, although not like the GOP gives a shit if you’re one of them.


BreezyWrigley

I think crimes like this do tend to increase generally though when a population is more repressed.


Gyoza-shishou

Fun fact: Medieval clergy actually saw brothels and prostitutes as a necessary evil, often reasoning that if they were to get rid of them entirely then men would roam about killing, stealing and raping whoever they felt like since they had no safe way to release their most base desires. So it were that sometimes they even judged and punished abusive pimps, though it only ever happened in extremely heinous cases, especially if forced abortions or infanticide were discovered...


sundancer2788

How would they even know unless you told them?


Shake-Spear4666

Every sperm is sacred


BandicootPlastic5444

W.A.N.K. Squad.


apearlj1234

2 guys walking around with Black Lights?


Clint-witicay

I will be protesting that law twice a day, from the privacy of my own toilet.


Nemo_Shadows

In some religions it is, and when a governing body imposes such you no longer are in a free society but a religious one or theological one (same thing basically), because religions are prisons without bars no matter what the scientific facts are about the needs of the body to function properly. of course there is something called discretion and what you do in your own home is private until they come along and invade your bedroom which they will try and do. When you wave a red cape in front of a Bull WHY would you expect it not to charge? N. Shadows


[deleted]

Then I will be a criminal. Man's got to get his 5 a day!


meytalgloo

What are they gonna do? Put my cum back inside me?


VeryAnonymous21

How are they gonna stop me? If I wanna pet the cat, I will pet the cat 😌


Great-Vacation8674

Some religious fanatic will use the excuse that it’s akin to abortion. All those sperm coulda/woulda/shoulda been a baby. And that’s mass abortion in your sock there buddy.


Denaton_

https://youtu.be/bzVHjg3AqIQ


mountain-pilot

I'm looking at 20 to life


AlphaManipulator

You have a choice sir! We remove both your hands or your …..


Saxfire2

I'd just ask a friend


Pathfinder91606

Then we'd all be guilty together.


NovaEast

In Christianity, it is


Jahnation

Mama I’m a criminal


InsideOutCadaver

You'd have to start calling me the one eyed bandit


Drsworder8

No one can control me 24/7


Alavar-the-exo

That would be clearly catastrophic in some way


MissNightTerrors

Would you be subject to a fine or thrown in the county slammer? The Christian extremists behind the abortion ban would no doubt love to outlaw masturbation, right after gay marriage.


usernamethatnoonehas

From my cold, dead hand..,


HKatzOnline

If so, they would have to ban menstruation as well I guess, at least to be equal.


FauxSeriousReals

It's only illegal if you get caught;)


FirstPlay6

Then WE are ALL going to flood the jail system


[deleted]

The floors will either be insanely sticky, or very slimey.


63belvedere

Well, then we're all fucked.


a_wmn

Lol are they gonna do daily home visits to everyone then? It wouldn't work out very well.


jimmyscumbag

They can't fucking stop me.


Material_Use_640

I look forward too being stopped


xlmagicpants

Then I'll be having sex in jail for the rest of my life


AssumptionAdvanced58

It won't but u may go blind


Polenicus

If you’re in Alabama or Texas, it already is. *** Alabama: illegal if it's artificial In the US, laws vary from state to state. In 2009, the supreme court of Alabama outlawed the sale of "any device designed … primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs" in an effort to target sales of masturbation machines. *** Texas: two years in prison According to the Tribune Herald, a new measure which will come into force on 1 January 2014 will make many forms of male masturbation illegal. "Exceptions include sperm donations, which now must only be performed at a designated hospital facility."


Riverrat423

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK, OPEN UP ITS THE FAP SQUAD, WE HAVE A WARRANT!


Educational_Prune_45

I guess I’ll be sentenced for about 37,241 years.


redwingthestrongoff

BREAKING NEWS : millions of teenagers jailed


328davidmc

Then its be the most broken law next to piracy and jaywalking


Front_Penalty_4952

For sure I'd have to stop taking the bus... but they'd have to pry my dick out of my cold dead hands... also... for my family's sake, could yall make sure my dick isn't in my cold dead hands? And clear out my browser history


TheGulfCityDindu

I’m a pretty good stealth wanker. They gonna have to catch me red handed


LilAggressive4180

Oh shit I think I might be a war crimanal


jinklair

The same thing that happened when piracy was made illegal, fuckin nothing


[deleted]

I’m on death row


ExactlyWhatImSaying

Then I’m not riding the bus anymore. 😆


Equivalent_Home_9054

Would that make my dildo paraphernalia?


Medium_Human887

I can already see it now: “and for 247,759,838 counts of malicious masturbation, Jail!”


Vigarious

Fitbits would be much less popular


Mysterious_Quit5314

How would that be enforced?


Shruggingsnake

The protests would be interesting


wojtekpolska

it literally wouldnt matter ​ do you expect to have officer stay by you 24/7 checkig if you dont fap?


darkwitch1306

It is in some places.