By - -Multif0rms-
Then I´d have to stop doing it in public obviously.
Time for wank riot
Wank Riot..New name for my band..we play with Pussy Riot and together we're The Wanking Pussy Riot🤘🤘🤘
Ok, when are the albums/bootlegs cuming out?
"Spank N Wank" should be ready in time for Christmas this year
Spank and Wank in your stocking this year?
Haha so much more satisfying than figgy pudding
You're first single ... "Flicking the Bean"
(Don’t) Flick the Bean. Pussy Riot feat. Wank Riot
I'm streaming our first rehearsals right.here.
Our soon to be no 1 hit
It hasn’t started yet? I came too early.
Cops can’t do anything because the ground is too sticky
The police were looking for hardened criminals.
Put your hands up. That's it. NO JUST KEEP THEM UP
No, they get horny and join in
*< respect faps >*
That might become the name of your game if woman start the sex strike they're talking about :P
Most sane reddit user
I went to my doctor and he said you need to stop masturbating. I asked why. He said because I'm trying to examine you.
Fuck you now take my upvote.
Wanted in 14 counties of this state...
The condemned is found guilty of the crimes of felonious masturbation
Therefore, according to the powers vested in us, we sentence the accused here before us... Tuco Benedicto Pacifico Juan Maria Ramirez... (Known as The Rat) and any other aliases he might have, to hang by the neck until dead. May God have mercy on his soul. Proceed.
They can take it from my COLD DEAD HANDS!
The greater the risk, the greater the reward.
Nah, you'd just lie about not doing it in public.
I wonder if watching you in public will be illegal too
Walmart is not a public place, it’s private, open to the public mastrubaters like you…
Just don’t get caught at home now
Which one of you psychopaths gave him a wholesome award?
Wait, you've been doing it publicly..........
All of the left socks will stop mysteriously disappearing in the laundry
Whooooa hold up… there are left and right socks?!?
Supposedly? I dunno I just put a pair of socks on my feet I've never thought much about it.
I mean, it makes perfect sense! I’m a little shocked I never already thought of this!! Maybe this is why I have days where I feel like too much sock is pushing against my little toes in my shoes? 😂
Ralph Lauren has a logo on each sock so you know left from right on because the logo should always be on the outside of the foot.
Well if the logo is inside your foot something is wrong
Damnit I knew I was putting my socks on wrong
depends on the socks. I have pairs that indicate which side the big toe is supposed to be on but they all stretch. doesnt really matter.
Some socks are universal but some do come with a left and right and you'll either see an L or R on the sole of the sock or on the ankle part.
My diabetic socks and old rugby socks had left and right.
I presumed I’d mixed up L arge and R egular
Aww, your socks have diabetes?
Yes, when you wash them with high fructose detergent, it’s bound to happen…..
no, don't fall to big sock propaganda.
they make you believe they're different so you always buy them in pair, then they employ gremlins to steal 1 so you have to buy another set.
Upvoted cause pfp is close to mine
I just assumed I always got them on the correct foot
Maybe I just have odd feet because nobody around me know what I am talking about but I can definitely tell my left and right socks apart after wearing them a couple times.
Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong pair of socks
Why do you only fuck the left ones?
Because all the right ones ran off, so these were left.
Take my upvote and leave
Lol fuck if I know. I've never used a sock to jerk off. I didn't even know other guys did that until I saw American Pie in high school. But given that's a thing and people for years have talked about left or right or whatever socks "disappear from the wash" I figured that's where the sock was going.
Ah. You’re the apple pie guy
I alternate between the left and right hands, use different techniques respectively, while watching my custom made porn clip in repeat until finished.
Only if circumcised
Eww that is gross. Right sock is the only way to go.
Mama I'm a criminal
Mamaaaa I just killed a couple million mennnnn*. Put a sock up to my head, pulled the trigger now they’re deadddd
*not guaranteed to be men
I’m sitting in my office cackling over this comment 😂😂
Yeah right… you’re probably mastrubating….
We have all read this while singing the melody in our heads, haven't we?
As long as you heard the footnote in the voice of the guy who quickly reads the side effects at the end of pill commercials
Law can't stop me, neither can Jesus christ
Law didn't stop me lying about my age on those sites for over a decade, sure as hell ain't stopping me now!
Absolutely nothing would change in how people masturbate.
I think porn would be illegal so some change
Nah, they’ll go back to labeling it “educational material” and bring back the adult theaters.
"A Scholarly Examination"
Yeah, I can see that...
Welcome class, today we will be studying “HOT BLONDE MILF ABSOLUTELY PUNISHED BY STEP DAD”.
They don’t mention it in the film but this move when performed by a male Over 6” in Length is called “cervicus deletus”
A man of culture I see.
I think just finding internet porn would be much easier than rushing a raid of the local adult theater.
why would it be illegal tho? its masturbation that becomes illegal, how do u want to ban porn? I watch it for entertainment, never touched my peepee while watching it
You assume there's a world where they can come for masturbation (et al), but they'll be rational about continuing to allow you this sinful entertainment?
tbh I didn't understand it
I watch it for the stories…
But for some, it would change _why_ they do it
Today I fap *FOR THE RESISTANCE*!!
*he says as he joins the public circle jerk*
from my cold dead hands!
Saving this for potential protest signs.
Only 17 upvotes?!? Was going to comment this, then saw post was 15 hours old and figured it’d be top comment with mounds of gold! I don’t have hold to give ya so high five bro!
Edit: Fuck it! It’s gold Jerry, GOLD!!
Catch me if you can.
Just caught you red handed
You mean white handed
Well then they can suck my dick
Yeah, cuz that's not maturation! 😆🤣
Well it is obviously already mature so...
God. Fucking. Damn it.
Shut up and take my up vote.
When masturbation is outlawed, only outlaws will masturbate..
Boston skeet party? Everybody jizz in the river?
It wouldn't happen as the banning of something considered healthy in small squirts would be extremely difficult to enforce let alone control or regulate it. Remember, there were certain people in the past who have resorted to idotic ideas such as corn flakes and forced male circumcision to control masturbation.
The creator of corn flakes thought that people eating certain foods was a contributing factor to the puritanical view of sexual deviancy. Corn flakes were one of his ideas meant to be a breakfast food that wouldn’t provoke lustful thoughts and actions. It is 100% as stupid as it sounds lol.
On the other hand, those breakfast sausage links got me thinking thoughts 🥵
How even...? The only thing I got from binge eating corn flakes is an allergy from the toxic crap they put in that stuff.
you telling me you haven't eaten a banana in the morning and gotten an urge to suck a dick and jack off
I cut my bananas with a knife. I also think of throwing uncut bananas at someone like a boomerang.
cutting your bananas up effectively cancels out the phallic excitement of gobbling down a breakfast banana. therefore cornflakes, as a vehicle to sliced banana, reduce banana induced fallation fantasies by a measurable percentage.
Well, I cut my popsicles with a knife. No one bothered me after that.
"This cereal I made is terrible and nobody wants to buy it.
Better tell people the devil is in them making them jerk off, and the cereal is the cure!"
What did I just read?
Plus no one is really serious. I have stayed with Catholic relatives who will not allow non-married or same sex couples to share a bed in their houses yet never warns anyone not to masturbate.
Small squirts was all I read
OP getting life without parole 😆
You've been fapped to, you've been cummed to by a *whip noise* a smooth criminal!
With my current medication my libido is so low that I could live in peace without a problem of becomming a criminal lol I like it
I don't think anything would change since its already illegal to masturbate in public, unless the government is gonna go and put cameras in people's houses forcefully, nothing will change.
It would probably be enforced like drugs, you can smoke crack in your house and probably not get caught unless a neighbor calls or the cops come by for another reason and find paraphernalia (in this case, porn, vibrators, cum boxes).
Politicians would become even more corrupt. If that’s even possible.
When they become more corrupt, do they evolve into godless machines of chaos?
As a godless person I resent this and will have you know our murder overlords are quite orderly.
I’d be a 5 star in GTA
You ask this question, but there is already a abstinence only, no sex before marriage bill proposed
that sounds like the most pro-masturbation bill ever
You can't just dump this on us without a source. My inkling is that some backwards conservative US state was trying to ban sexual health education.
Anyone who would want masturbation banned would be affected by it the most, since they don’t get anything from their wives
you really want everyone doing that in jail? as if there is a not a enough already?
Spank tank located next to the drunk tank
There would be underground masturbation parties and masturbation dealers selling sex toys.
Some guy in a trench coat opens one side of his coat and reveals an assortment of dildos.
"Could I interest you in a Glorp?"
OP is feeling the heat
I'm rehearsing a piece of performance art about the demonization of human sexuality
I'd get off faster, most likely
Underrated comment 🤣
Breaking the law! Breaking the law!
We beat off in private anyways. What’re they gonna do? Come door to door to check our trouser’s?
How would they prove it though? Like, they can regulate porn or whatever but if you're not using that sort of thing, who's checking?
That law would be really hard to enforce
Yeah I mean what would they do put motion sensors in out genitalia.
Fitbit reports directly to NSA, (No Self Abuse) database, and now you're on a list...
Yeah I mean what would they do put motion and heat sensors in out genitalia.
That sort of exists, but it's for counting night-time erections to help diagnose ED...
unfortunately, rape cases would probably increase. prostitution would also increase, it sucks that prostitution is illegal in certain places because then more people would be dying of STD’s
I doubt it. If you'd be willing to literally rape someone you're not going to be afraid of having a cheeky fap at home alone where literally nobody could report you.
You are aware that rape is also illegal, right? Why would someone who doesn't want to break the law to fap, then turn around to do something worse that is also breaking the law.
damn, i really didn’t think that through when i commented 😂
Rape wouldn’t change because it’s not about sexual satisfaction, it’s about power. Also, unless there are government cameras in your home or you were doing it publicly, no one is going to know. But riskier to rape someone than masturbate, although not like the GOP gives a shit if you’re one of them.
I think crimes like this do tend to increase generally though when a population is more repressed.
Fun fact: Medieval clergy actually saw brothels and prostitutes as a necessary evil, often reasoning that if they were to get rid of them entirely then men would roam about killing, stealing and raping whoever they felt like since they had no safe way to release their most base desires. So it were that sometimes they even judged and punished abusive pimps, though it only ever happened in extremely heinous cases, especially if forced abortions or infanticide were discovered...
How would they even know unless you told them?
Every sperm is sacred
2 guys walking around with Black Lights?
I will be protesting that law twice a day, from the privacy of my own toilet.
In some religions it is, and when a governing body imposes such you no longer are in a free society but a religious one or theological one (same thing basically), because religions are prisons without bars no matter what the scientific facts are about the needs of the body to function properly.
of course there is something called discretion and what you do in your own home is private until they come along and invade your bedroom which they will try and do.
When you wave a red cape in front of a Bull WHY would you expect it not to charge?
Then I will be a criminal. Man's got to get his 5 a day!
What are they gonna do? Put my cum back inside me?
How are they gonna stop me? If I wanna pet the cat, I will pet the cat 😌
Some religious fanatic will use the excuse that it’s akin to abortion. All those sperm coulda/woulda/shoulda been a baby. And that’s mass abortion in your sock there buddy.
I'm looking at 20 to life
You have a choice sir! We remove both your hands or your …..
I'd just ask a friend
Then we'd all be guilty together.
In Christianity, it is
Mama I’m a criminal
You'd have to start calling me the one eyed bandit
No one can control me 24/7
That would be clearly catastrophic in some way
Would you be subject to a fine or thrown in the county slammer? The Christian extremists behind the abortion ban would no doubt love to outlaw masturbation, right after gay marriage.
From my cold, dead hand..,
If so, they would have to ban menstruation as well I guess, at least to be equal.
It's only illegal if you get caught;)
Then WE are ALL going to flood the jail system
The floors will either be insanely sticky, or very slimey.
Well, then we're all fucked.
Lol are they gonna do daily home visits to everyone then? It wouldn't work out very well.
They can't fucking stop me.
I look forward too being stopped
Then I'll be having sex in jail for the rest of my life
It won't but u may go blind
If you’re in Alabama or Texas, it already is.
Alabama: illegal if it's artificial
In the US, laws vary from state to state. In 2009, the supreme court of Alabama outlawed the sale of "any device designed … primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs" in an effort to target sales of masturbation machines.
Texas: two years in prison
According to the Tribune Herald, a new measure which will come into force on 1 January 2014 will make many forms of male masturbation illegal. "Exceptions include sperm donations, which now must only be performed at a designated hospital facility."
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK, OPEN UP ITS THE FAP SQUAD, WE HAVE A WARRANT!
I guess I’ll be sentenced for about 37,241 years.
BREAKING NEWS : millions of teenagers jailed
Then its be the most broken law next to piracy and jaywalking
For sure I'd have to stop taking the bus... but they'd have to pry my dick out of my cold dead hands... also... for my family's sake, could yall make sure my dick isn't in my cold dead hands? And clear out my browser history
I’m a pretty good stealth wanker. They gonna have to catch me red handed
Oh shit I think I might be a war crimanal
The same thing that happened when piracy was made illegal, fuckin nothing
I’m on death row
Then I’m not riding the bus anymore. 😆
Would that make my dildo paraphernalia?
I can already see it now: “and for 247,759,838 counts of malicious masturbation, Jail!”
Fitbits would be much less popular
How would that be enforced?
The protests would be interesting
it literally wouldnt matter
do you expect to have officer stay by you 24/7 checkig if you dont fap?
It is in some places.