T O P
nottheonion-ModTeam

Greetings, jpainphx. Unfortunately, your submission has been removed from /r/nottheonion because our rules do not allow: * Content that doesn't have an oniony quality to it (rule #2). Your submission may be better suited for another subreddit instead. [](/spikeholdup) ----- For a full list of our submission rules, please visit our [wiki page](http://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/wiki/expanded). If you're new to /r/nottheonion, you can check out [NTO101: An Introduction to /r/NotTheOnion](https://www.reddit.com/r/nottheonion/wiki/nto101) for more information on our rules and answers to frequently asked questions. If you have any questions or concerns, feel free to [message the moderators](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fnottheonion). Please include the link to the post you want us to review.


BurrrritoBoy

-“Hey, quit killing yourself. That’s my job.”


fractiouscatburglar

“If you don’t stop trying to kill yourself I’ll give you something to die about!”


eazeaze

Suicide Hotline Numbers If you or anyone you know are struggling, please, PLEASE reach out for help. You are worthy, you are loved and you will always be able to find assistance. Argentina: +5402234930430 Australia: 131114 Austria: 017133374 Belgium: 106 Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05 Botswana: 3911270 Brazil: 212339191 Bulgaria: 0035 9249 17 223 Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal) Croatia: 014833888 Denmark: +4570201201 Egypt: 7621602 Finland: 010 195 202 France: 0145394000 Germany: 08001810771 Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000 Hungary: 116123 Iceland: 1717 India: 8888817666 Ireland: +4408457909090 Italy: 800860022 Japan: +810352869090 Mexico: 5255102550 New Zealand: 0508828865 The Netherlands: 113 Norway: +4781533300 Philippines: 028969191 Poland: 5270000 Russia: 0078202577577 Spain: 914590050 South Africa: 0514445691 Sweden: 46317112400 Switzerland: 143 United Kingdom: 08006895652 USA: 18002738255 You are not alone. Please reach out. ***** I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically.


AccidentalSucc

The 988 suicide & crisis hotline now exists for the USA Edit: proofs in the pudding https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/988


p1xode

At what point is it bad enough to justify calling?


The_Nez

As soon as you start wondering whether or not you should call


Red-Panda-Bur

This. Don’t call when it’s an actual crisis and you have a plan that you’re ready to go thru with. That’s when you just go straight to your local hospital and check yourself in. Wait times on these calls can be awful if you’re in. Crisis.


DiplomaticGoose

The part where you mull calling it in the first place


_The_Librarian

How long is a piece of string? If you call they will answer.


Khanman5

Glib as this sounds I was entirely prepared for the suicide hotline in the US to be 911. You know, given the case this is about.


cartermb

“Stop. You’re not doing it right. Let me show you.”


turandoto

"Officer heroically prevents suicide" That's probably gonna be their press release.


PristineBiscuit

>"Officer heroically prevents suicide" > >That's probably gonna be their press release. Gotta love the "No officers were injured" near the bottom of the linked article. ^Glad ^to ^hear, ^guys.


RichardSaunders

hey at least they didnt call it an "officer involved shooting"


zeejay11

Something something outstanding warrants


Vladimir_Putting

I hate kill stealers.


Mr-3-Nigma

Childhood flash backs of "stop hitting yourself , stop hitting yourself" come to mind


81CoreVet

"stop killing yourself, stop killing yourself,"


badpeaches

Did your older sibling do the thing where they hold a long gop of spit over your face afterwards too? My sister beat the shit out me with my own hands then to add insult to injury that I wasn't big enough to stop her, she'd find new creatives to humiliate me.


[deleted]

I was the older sibling and yes that is an accurate order of events.


badpeaches

I wish I could have killed myself instead of have to live with the trauma of what she did to me.


Shortcuttrash

Maybe they thought the insurance payout for the family would be better from a death-by-cop rather than death-by-suicide?


def_dvr

Interesting theory


Only_One_Left_Foot

Stop trying to KS me, bro!


Hogesyx

Suiciding to deny kill is bm.


Londonforce

Alley-oop


ThrowAway62378549

Alley-cop


That_Co

He wasn't going to let an opportunity like that stab itself!


PooperJackson

"Look since you're gonna die anyways at least let me kill you so I can get my Christmas bonus I'm only 1 shooting off!"


thedeadthatyetlive

Trying to kill a senator's husband? Better not hurt the guy. Guy stabbing himself in an *actual* rich person's home? Light him up!


ifmacdo

If you don't think the Pelosis are "actually rich," regardless of your politics, you're delusional.


ridik_ulass

just leaving that exp on the table.


Moth_Jam

Lol, we live in a stupid world!


anotherone121

Officer: "you will not deprive me of this joy!"


formerPhillyguy

Congrats officer, you prevented a suicide.


TolMera

The coroner is going to have a hard time with this one…


FriesWithThat

Cause of Death: Multiple police-issue 9mm rounds due to not stabbing himself quickly enough.


llamaswithhatss91

Multiple choice answer A. Death by suicide B. Death by cop suicide C. Murdered D. All of the above


D4RK3N3R6Y

Prof: the test is not that hard The test:


[deleted]

This might technically be suicide by cop.


icanthearyounoonecan

True


Eupion

Well, If they can’t save a life, they might as well save a soul! Jesus Police! Pew pew!


The_Irish_Empire

Funnily enough that was law in Ireland until the 1960s, were if you attempted suicide and failed, you were sentenced to death by hanging for attempting suicide.


Hot-Cheesecake-7483

Do people actually think about the laws they put in place? That is so stupid


bilateralrope

That depends on how easy it is to make it look like someone attempted suicide.


FriesWithThat

>No officers were injured, according to police. By the man who probably just wanted to be left alone to stab himself.


revchewie

Suicide by cop


tyrandan2

Cop homicide by suicide


Mechasteel

This means the victim is eligible to be buried in a Catholic cemetery, as he did not commit suicide.


Speedhump23

Nup, suicides have not been a sin for decades. *Among Catholics, suicide was traditionally considered a mortal sin—a very serious sin that destroyed one's relationship with God. But in 1983 the Roman Catholic Church removed suicide from the list of mortal sins.*


Jefrejtor

Shit like this makes me think how absolutely fucking wild it is to have a group of people convince the world that they are the leading authority on what the creator of the universe wants.


ChuckZombie

And that they deserve your money because of that.


TempleMade_MeBroke

Probably why suicide was a sin for so long; there needed to be a preventative punishment for ending the 10% tithe of one's total earnings to the church


GucciGuano

most of us don't even know wtf these people are doing. Just be decent to one another. Don't kill, jealousy is usually bad, envy is usually bad, don't stick your willy in your neighbor's nilly, basic stuff it's all in the book. Priests are like those 3rd party websites that try to charge you for filing your taxes. You don't actually need them to speak to the IRS!


SkipsH

When is the Constantine movie set?


secretpandalord

Well the movie is set contemporary (so around 2005, when it came out), but John's first suicide occurs when he was a teenager, and we don't know when that was. Keanu Reeves was born in 1964, so would've been around 19 when the Catholic Church reversed its decision; if we assume his character follows roughly the same age track as Keanu then it's entirely reasonable that John's suicide takes place before 1983.


Speedhump23

Not sure, but the idea is that to commit suicide meant you had a mental issue, so could not be guilty of a sin.


FriesWithThat

Police will probably rule it a suicide.


BloodlustyGummybear

Police Chief: "You just had to convert a suicide to a homicide! We're dealing with a mass shooting and two Jane Does. I'm too old for this shit, Hinkley! ~~You're fired!~~ Go on paid vacation for a few months!"


akeean

"Cut & dry case."


tyrandan2

Congrats boys, we've kept the suicide statistics from increasing! *Meanwhile, the police homicide statistics: ...*


Entire-Dragonfly859

And everyone slow clapped.


tyrandan2

That cop's name? Albert Einstein.


Lord_Quintus

cop's gotta monthly quota he's gotta fill. easier to shoot someone who's trying to kill themselves than if they are running away


DragonGarlicBreath

Sorry, I'm still stuck on >The Surprise Police Department is the agency Is that what the Spanish Inquisition has switched to these days?


MercMcNasty

It's a city in AZ lol


gregorydgraham

Is it near Unexpected, AZ or It Was A Surprise Until Mike Opened His Big Mouth, AZ?


MercMcNasty

It’s near glendale


gregorydgraham

Is that near Phoenix, AZ?


MercMcNasty

Yeah around Out of Nowhere, AZ


gregorydgraham

Huh? Out Of Nowhere is in Texas


awaymetake

No, Who's on first. Not Huh.


unknownemoji

Middle of Nowhere is in Iowa. Or Kansas. Maybe. Not, Maybe as in Maybe, TX, but maybe, as in... Fuck it, I'm going to sleep. ^(That sounds like it's in Oregon.)


myaltaccount333

Not if you ask Coyote fans


tyrandan2

Yeah, a few hours' drive away from Yo, Is This Even A Town? AZ


gregorydgraham

Gotcha, just past Definitely Not A Destination, NE


FullMetalCOS

You have to hang a left at Where The Fuck Even Am I?


TripleFFF

"Surprise police!" "Naw, I heard y'all coming a mile away"


TheG8Uniter

The puns musts be unbearable for the people living there. Every here you go in that city is a Surprise.


buccaschlitz

I live in Surprise. A lot of businesses name themselves “Surprise Xxxxxxx”. But my personal favorite is Surprise Funeral Care


DragonGarlicBreath

I figured from context after a couple reads, but still funny.


GucciGuano

oooh get a bunch of people and carve the likeness of pikachu on the side of a mountain pls pls I'll give u reddit gold if u do


DisturbedCanon

Nobody expects the Police Department!


AlamosX

I'm still stuck on Goodyear. A town named after the Tire company...


i_tried_butt_fuck_it

I saw the cop car in the thumbnail read "Goodyear police" and started wondering if the police dept was sponsored by a company. A whole ass town now, is on a different level.


AlamosX

It's really nothing new. Company towns have been around for ages. I was just surprised Goodyear was one of them


th3r3dp3n

"You load 16 tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt St. Peter, don't you call me 'cause I can't go I owe my soul to the company store"


station_nine

My favorite police department: https://sandwichpd.com


unassumingdink

Still not as weird as [the New Mexico town](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Truth_or_Consequences,_New_Mexico) that renamed itself after a game show to win a radio contest 70 years ago, and is still named that today.


Hyfrith

Don't tell Geralt of Rivia, in this town the police literally enforce the Law of Surprise


tyrandan2

That's hilarious. I wonder what the Surprise Police Chief will say. Maybe a Surprise Mayor will make an appearance and there'll be a Surprise News story?


Nethlem

I know that agency [from the Dexter TV show](https://youtu.be/EJM1zRAuYwM)!


wyllyam1111

All sex in Surprise is Surprise sex.


solinfant

"Good luck trying to stab yourself WHEN YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD!"


AlwaysAngryAndy

[For those who are unaware](https://youtu.be/9vtlHr-v8_8)


0hMyGodWhy

Fuck, I choked on my own saliva.


Fresh_Nicki

Ah but who is stupider? The Person trying to kill himself or the person trying to kill the Person trying to kill himself


[deleted]

[удалено]


Murrabbit

Self-harm is illegal, scumbag. Drop the knife or I drop you! Headline the next day: Hero Cop Responds To Violent Crime, Shoots Bad-Guy Dead!


MahavidyasMahakali

Reminds me of the action news 5 headline "officers kill man with no active warrants at wrong house". Cops shoot and murder innocent man through closed front door without warning and this news site tries to defend them.


Magatha_Grimtotem

Cop: "I witnessed the suspect attempting to kill the victim, I then proceeded to use lethal force to stop the suspect. Despite our best efforts the victim did not survive the encounter."


tripleyothreat

Hahaha too accurate


LegalSelf5

Paid time off opportunity almost missed. Well played Mr. Officer


tyrandan2

Man, I need a vacation so bad *kills a dude*


PipeDream2000

You joke but this is pretty much just American law enforcement these days


Kcidobor

*I would kill for another paid two week vacation*


bookcreative

Did the officer that shot the guy claim self defense? Really, what’s the justification claimed?


DrunkStepmother

He had to shoot the guy to protect the guy the guy was trying to kill who was also himself, you wouldn't understand


heliumneon

You're right, he did kill the attacker.


SheepherderNo2440

Unfortunately the victim was also collateral damage


fearhs

Get this hero a paid vacation!


tyrandan2

Cop: yeah so, it was pertinent in that situation for me to act on behalf of the victim's best interest to implement deadly force to de-escalate the, ah, uh, incident in question to, uh, resolve the life-threatening, uh, danger to the potential victim of the assault in progress, uh.... I'm sorry what was the question again


ga4a89

Oh fuck, this is like the "Hitler was okay because he killed a guy who committed genocide" thing all over again.


DrunkStepmother

Well you have to give credit where credit is due. And killing Hitler is pretty badass.


Cethinn

The bullet passed through the attacker, also hitting the victim. It was a totally unavoidable incident. The officer took every action possible, but the victim happened to be too close to the attacker.


drmischief

I understand whatever this is would likely destroy a robot from a paradoxical cascade event.


LambBrainz

"He was armed! I was afraid for my life!"


Focacciaboudit

"Welp, can't argue with that. Enjoy your paid vacation."


cartermb

“When he got done with that guy, I’m pretty sure he was coming for me!”


PrimalZed

It's unclear where "the man was stabbing himself" info comes from. I think it's part of the original call made that the police officer was responding to. They haven't given any info on what happened when the police officer arrived, other than he ended up shooting the man and the officer was unharmed. It's plausible that it was self-defense. Unless they release the body cam footage (if he had a body cam), we'll only get one side of the story.


Spoon_Elemental

Honestly, even if he was trying to kill himself that doesn't mean he's not gonna take a swing at others too.


Ranulfer

That's true, but just because one is killing themselves doesn't mean that they are willing to kill someone else. So though we don't know, we also don't know.


Downside_Up_

Will wait for body cam footage - it is possible that the man attempted or threatened to stab police who were intervening. It's also possible this was an idiotic and unnecessary use of force.


rood_sandstorm

The guy was committing murder on himself


cutelyaware

We could just make attempted suicide a capital offense


valgrind_error

Probably wanted a paid vacation.


cutelyaware

"That knife could have gone off!"


ImKindaBoring

I mean, suicide by cop is a very real thing and it is entirely plausible that the man with a knife charged the cop. At that point self defense makes sense. Far as I can tell no details are available so who knows what actually happened.


czartaylor

This article has literally no details. At all. It's just 'officer's responding to call for man stabbing himself' and 'call ended up with someone getting shot'. This reeks suspiciously of 'cops showed up, man tried to stab them, cops shot him' situation that no one's going to remember in 2 days. Horrible click bait article.


Caladbolg_Prometheus

Easy way to rectify the situation is for the police to release further details such as body came footage and so forth. But will they? Maybe in a few months, when the heat cools off.


Pielikeman

According to the article, the police aren’t giving details despite being asked. Seems like it would be easy to give footage and say “yeah, he came at us and we shot him”


regalrecaller

>The Surprise Police Department is the agency from the West Valley Investigative Response Team that is investigating the shooting.  This is probably the best and worst name for a police department


MikeLitoris_________

[Was this the cop?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nBL375Erxc)


Viper1089

Lmao wtf, * bang * "Stop or I'll shoot!" "... you just shot me!" "I fired a warning shot that hit ya." What batshit insane movie is this? I need to watch it...


MikeLitoris_________

Miami Blues


ThtGuyTho

It's Miami Blues. I quite liked it.


Viper1089

Is the whole movie like this? I know I don't have any context but none of that made any sense in the slightest lol which may be why I found it so funny. Like... is there a reason he shoots first and *then* gives a verbal warning?


ThtGuyTho

Yep pretty much, it's definitely a crazy movie. The thing is, he's not really a cop. He's just a criminal that stole a cop's badge, and he uses it to try and get money off people by "saving them".


pls_coffee

So American cops and police unions?


B_lintu

The reason is he's an American cop


goshdammitfromimgur

Miami Blues 85% on Rotten Tomatoes


Food_Kitchen

The sweet sweet irony that this is Alec Baldwin.


Thee_Sinner

Just a reminder that shots in the thigh are very likely to be fatal. Its incredibly difficult to stop bleeding from the femoral artery


GKnives

alec baldwin huh


Mr-3-Nigma

Suicide is illegal guys , taking a life to prevent a crime is . . . Ummmm........wait.. . . . .the maths ain't mathing


TolMera

Officer + knife + gun + crime + offender = -5


j33205

the punishment for suicide...is death


That-Maintenance1

This is the hyperbolic conclusion to "weed will ruin your life so I'm gonna lock you up and ruin your life so weed can't ruin your life"


Wookie301

Task failed successfully


algabanan

people stabbing themselves? we cant have that! zero tolerance.


redstern

Attempted suicide is a felony punishable by death.


Gulbahar-00

Actually true at one point in France


[deleted]

[удалено]


lolofaf

Makes me think of that scene in blazing saddles where the sheriff held himself hostage to get the town to not shoot him


castiglione_99

They could have saved themselves a bullet and just sat back and watched. The victim may have also had a higher chance of survival.


LPOLED

Maybe the cop was catholic and thought he was doing dude a favor.


HearMeBorat

What a kill steal


Zesty-lemon-salad

Task failed successfully.


Extreme_Design6936

Cop wasn't gonna have his kill stolen by some rage quitter.


tyrandan2

When you have your crosshair on someone and they just *log out*. Like, ugh, the nerve.


jtfriendly

"Boy meets girl. Boy loses girl. Boy gets girl back. Girl dies in a tragic blimp accident." "Goodyear?" "No, it was the worst."


ATBiB

This is a bit like when you tell your boss you're quitting your job and they respond, "You can't quit, because I've decided to fire you!"


QuestionableAI

Well ,,, he did stop stabbing himself.


icecream_truck

Task failed successfully.


LaughableIKR

Let's see the video. See if this officer fired him up for nothing. Ya know if the LEO's don't release the video in the next few days it's gonna be bad.


ManMadeMyth

Officer: "I'm going to shoot him somewhere nonfatal. In the head."


XxTheUnloadedRPGxX

Fucking kill steal


Damassteel_ironworks

That’s what they, incompetent police, always reverts to if they run into something that requires actual thinking, empathy etc.


NoahNoFifth

The cop stopped a suicide


masta_rabbit

"Brave Officer prevents suicide with murder."


HythlodaeusHuxley

Stop killing yourself or we'll kill ya!


faithle55

Christ, even when someone's busy killing himself, the cops can't stop themselves from killing him first.


LMNoballz

Is "shoot em" the only de-escalation technique the police are taught?


Berto_

Stop...don't kill yourself. Let me do it!


hemareddit

Was this cop trained by the [one who tazed the guy drenched in gasoline](https://www.reviewjournal.com/uncategorized/cop-fired-taser-at-man-doused-in-gas-to-stop-man-from-harming-himself/)?


tibi_co

Does "mission failed successfully" apply here?


throwmyasswaway17

"he looked like he needed help so i helped him"


PartyClock

"No no you're doing it all wrong. Here let me show you..."


Intransigient

All the police were shouting, *”No kill stealing!”* It was a double-XP weekend, after all. 🙄


XpertDestroyer

The punishment for suicide is…DEATH!


Myzyri

“I killed him to save him from killing himself! You can’t get into Heaven if you commit suicide you know!” -Father Shooty McCopface


whenpandaisbored

Police in the US seems to be just a killing squad for poor people


KingKandyOwO

Task failed successfully


KamovInOnUp

Man was probably trying to commit suicide with a knife and saw the opportunity for suicide-by-cop.


Fezzverbal

Suicide is illegal! Here, let me!


strangebru

Arizona Man just trying to keep up with Florida Man.


Outworld___Devourer

Task failed successfully


TheFlabbs

I just imagine one guy screaming as he stabs himself and the other guy, the cop, beginning to scream as he shoots the guy who is screaming while stabbing himself


globefish23

Heroic cop shoots bad guy dead, thus preventing him from stabbing a man.


ptowndavid

And people say police don’t receive deescalation training…


J4MES101

Let me get that for you


darybrain

"We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them." -ATF Agent, South Park, Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub


analogengineer

"If he kills himself, maybe I'll be next!"


amvincent96

“Assist +50”


toejamandtoast

Community service is assisting a resident who is struggling to complete a task. Can’t change your tire? We can help! Lost your dog? We can help! Can’t quite kill yourself? (Checks policies and procedures) Ok, we can help! BLAM! /s


magical_bunny

TW: Suicide, traumatic death Wow. This reminds me of a case I read about recently where a guy had been suicidal and threatened to set himself alight after dousing himself with petrol. One of the police officers who was called used the taser on him in an attempt to stop him using a lighter to set it all off and the taser acted as a source of ignition instead. He died, and as soon as he realised he was dying he expressed regret.


Darklord_Bravo

Probably going to get a promotion by the logic.


YourWordsMatter

He was just helping the man complete his task.